Have I failed as a parent?

  Heck NO! Now if you would of asked me awhile ago or even two days after Dagney was born I would of said yeah I had. But now I think other wise. I do however question some things, but I think we all do that. I want and try to be the best parent as I can possibly be and I know I am only human and can make mistakes, but life is about learning from them, moving on and growing from what you have learned.
  I also thought it was all my fault Dagney had to be in the nicu, that it was my fault how we were treated in there, but really if you think about it I couldn't of prevented those health problems with Dagney nor could I have controlled how others treated us. Yes, we were treated much differently because we were coming in from a home birth. I don't think it was fare to say the least and I mean even if it was just myself and Dustin being treated differently I think I would of been fine with that, but the lack of attention my son got and how he was treated I don't think was fare. He didn't do anything wrong. Sadly that nicu experience put a negative feel even more on hospitals in general. I was all for them helping someone or a situation when it was medically needed, but for it to not be given 110% to a newborn that actually medically needed it just boggles my mind.
  Life hasn't been a walk in the park, but as I have gotten older I try to take eveyrthing that happens like a grain of salt. Uusually its easier said than done, but for the most part I have an easier time handling things, well minus all of the things surrounding Dagney, and his birth, but I am working on it.
  After making the decision to pump breast milk and feed it to Dagney with a bottle instead of forcing him to nurse when he physically could not breath and suck at the same time was I think a good decision and I know some could beg to differ, but I was doing what I thought and still thought was the best for him at the time and also myself. I was dealing with my own struggles aswell. I never thought my sexual abuse would ultimatly make it a huge deciding factor whether or not I nursed my son. But to have flash backs, have regrets and make my ppd worse was not a life I wanted to force on myself. I needed to be strong for my son to be able to take care of him and if I had forced myself to nurse and endure all those things I don't think I would have. I did beat myself up and still do a little bit about not nursing Dagney, but really in the end he is still receiving breast milk and thats all that really matters, doesn't it? 
  I really don't think woman should get harped on for feeding their child breast milk from a bottle. Isn't the main thing that the child is still getting breast milk? They still hold the child, bond with the child and cuddle with the child while they feed from a bottle. I don't just leave my son off in another room to hold his own bottle by himself. We are together when he eats ALWAYS! I mean there will be that odd time he will lay in his stroller while we are on the bus and drink his bottle, but its safer that way. I just think it shouldn't matter where the breast milk is coming from, what matters the most is that the child is getting breast milk,  am I not right? Which by the way I use to feel REALLY guilty and horrible for even bottle feeding my son breast milk. The first 9 months of my sons life have been nothing but guilt and horrible feelings, but I am not going to let that happen anymore. I have to give myself credit that I am doing everything in my means for him and always will be. Every choice and decision I make, I make it for him. 

So no I haven't failed as a parent! I may have thought that for a very long time, but really I have come to realize I haven't.