Don't worry, be happy.

I made the ultimate decision the other day, one that I am not proud of nor am I excited about. You might be wondering what this decision is?
 Well I decided I am going to try anti-depressants again after being off of them for 6 years now. I swore I would never go back on them and I would use the natural route. Well the natural route wasn't enough this time. Most that know me, know I have been battling Post Partum Deppression and bouts of PTSD as well from my experience of my birth, Dagney's NICU stay and all of his health problems & tests he endured for the first 4 months of his life. It was a rocky road and while going through it I will be honest I felt SO alone. The only person that could relate and I felt most not a lone with was my husband, Dustin. I know I had my lovely support system through Youtube and facebook, but it just wasn't enough. No one was there during the day while I was alone for 12 hour days with Dagney trying to deal with it all and taking him to all of his appointments. Well I had my MIL come once and Dustin come once, but all the other ones I did on my own. I wished I had someone to hold my hand or give me a hug and tell me it would be alright, but I didn't. I know I really shouldn't be thinking about ALL of that, especially since it is over with and in the past, but for myself who does take things hard it takes me a while to grieve and except what has happened. One day I will let it go and it wont haunt me anymore.
  Now I have a beautiful, caring, up beat, bright, funny, adorable, happy little guy I call my own and we all know who that is! Dagney! I should really learn from my son and not worry so much on how I may mess his life up, if I am doing the right thing or something needs to be perfect for him, but to watch him grow, grow with him and learn. I think children can teach us a feel things about life, we just have to let them or really observe them and how they go through life.
  Anyways, back to my decision. I guess I should explain why I never wanted to go back on them ever again, shouldn't I? When I was on anti-depressents as a teenager they made me feel like a zombie or very not in tune with things going on around me, I felt tired all the time and numb or oblivious to my problems and they also made me more suicidal then I was. So you can see why I am hesitant at taking them again. For myself I just didn't want to feel the  constant heartache or loss of interest I had been feeling for some time now and I was tired of missing out on Dagney's life feeling this way so that's why I made the decision to go back on them. I know I wont be on them for ever and I hope to wean myself off of them by the end of next year when we hope to try for another child, but that's a whole other story in it's self. I obviously need to be better myself before we can make that big leap too.
  So day two of taking them and I will admit I am not a fan right now. The side affects are what make me hate theses things. I feel fatigued or the zombie like feeling I mentioned earlier, nausea, weird dreams, anxiety, loss of appetite(caused by anxiety?), loss of control, dazed, and numb to feelings- which is the last thing I need right? I am going to give the medication about 6-8 weeks to work it's magic and if I still have all of these side affects I am going to wean myself off them with Doctor's guidance of course. Try something else maybe or maybe more of a herbal treatment.
  The loss of control, dazed and numb to feelings or thoughts part is what drives me bonkers the most about taking anti-depressents. I, myself am the type of person who does not like feeling drugged up, or the feelings you get from being buzzed from a drink of alcohol, high from weed or the feelings you get from taking Oxycontin for pain relief. I NEED to feel in control of myself or else I get anxiety, which is why I had a drug free birth. Then the dazed feeling I don't like either. I was telling Dustin last night that when Dagney and I go out we walk mostly every where and while I walk I pay attention to the birds, grass, trees, plants animals and just society in general and really enjoy it and watch it change through season, it's something I enjoy doing as well as I think in my mind about things I want do to in the future, daily life and things I am struggling at the time. But yesterday I was so dazed I cought myself not even paying attention to any of that and staring off into space, not even thinking about anything. This scared me. The few things I NEED to enjoy life these pills are making me oblivious to them. Not a fan at all. And what about feeling numb to emotions or thoughts, not a good thing either in my personal opinion for myself. Not that I wont to think about all the negative, not so pleasant things that have happened in the past or are currently happening in my personal life I still think it's a good idea to think about them. I was to think about them so I can go through the emotions of grieving, moving on and excepting and how am I suppose to do that when these pills are making me in a sense forget about them? Who knows really! But like I said I am going to see what happens with the pills and if they aren't for me then that's alright and I will stop taking them. I have to give them a chance first to at least say I tried them, right?

Anyways, I think I have written enough for now and it's time for lunch. Dagney is napping and I can relax and eat in peace.

Top 5 Way to Improve Your Physical and Mental self

I am sure it's not rocket science that all 5 of these things listed below will help us mentally and physically, but I think some times we do forget that these things are truly important for keeping us sane.

1) Turn off your TV or computer and read

2) Meditate, reflect or pray(if you are religious) each day.

3) Drink lots of pure water and eat a balance meal with a lot of vegatables and fruits.

4) Visit friends and family often

5) Get 7-8 hours of sleep each night.

Autumn or fall which ever!

  Lets talk about the up coming season that is upon us, shall we? But let me first say that I can not believe just how fast summer went by. Sadly Canada doesn't have enough warm weather and I think we have more cold weather than we do warm. So one day when Dustin and I retire we plan to have a place in Florida to go to to escape the cold winters we have here.
 Anyways, what is so nice about the Fall? Nature that is! All the trees change to lovely colours and I just love to see it all. The leaves then fall to the ground, for hours and hours of time spent playing in raked up piles for kids. They also make for a good picture prop with little ones or even family pictures. You sometimes witness those bat, ghost, which or pumpkin bags that you sometimes see sitting on peoples front lawns for Halloween and those lovely leaves are used to stuff them. How about all the gords or pumpkins that are ready to be picked and carved or used as food. What great memories can be made from taking your child to go pick their own pumpkin to carve for Halloween And try to find your way out of a corn maze. This is one thing I am really looking forward to this year. We did it with Dagney last year, but he was still so young that he slept most of the time and Dustin and I just picked out our own pumpkin. We did carve it with him, but this year is going to be even better.
 Lets not forget about all the yummy food around this time. Pumpkin pies, apples pies, yummy warm drinks that get sold at Cafe's or for the modern person, Starbucks. Thanksgiving dinner with Turkey, stuffing, and all your normal veggies on the side. This year I plan on making a Dagney friendly feast. Poor guy has to be careful of what he can and can't have with his allergies, but I will make it so he can enjoy it just as much as anyone else does. And lets face it Thanksgiving is my all time favourite holiday of the year. You get to prepare and eat a yummy meal, think about what you are thankful for and just enjoy each others company without having that burden or feeling like you are obligated to spend money or contribute to consumerism. It's the one holiday I think that you don't need to spend vey much money and you don't have to buy people things they probably don't need or get things you probably don't need. I feel so stress free through out the Thanksgiving holiday compared to one I use to celebrate, Christmas. It's so nice.
 How about the weather too? It's not freezing out like the winter months and it's not so hot and humid like our summer months. It's cool enough you need to wear pants, a sweater and maybe a jacket, but not so hot that you feel like walking around naked. You are comfortable. It does rain more, but thats the magic nature and weather have together. They are preparing the grass, trees and plants to feed enough before the ground freezes. I guess it's some sort of survival method, but it's neat.
 What about Halloween? I use to LOVE figuring out what I was going to be and dress up as. I always tried to figure out something that wasn't going to be popular and went with that. One year I was Bunnicula, which is a character from a childhood book of mine. In other words it s bunny vampire/dracula who sucks the juice out of veggies. I actually thought about dressing Dagney up as that this year. Dagney will be able to go around to the houses and grab up some candy and chocolate. He wont be able to enjoy the normal goodies everyone else gets when "trick or treating", because again his allergies, but I plan on making some things he can enjoy too. Should be a fun fall, Halloween & Thanksgiving!

Here is a video from last years Halloween.