Why I struggled with Breastfeeding.

 I will be the first to support any Mother that wants or needs help with breastfeeding their baby. I am the one who loves seeing woman post beautiful pictures of their child(ren) breasfeeding and want to high five those Mother's that breastfeed in public with or without covering up. Now that didn't sound creepy at all! HA! But in all honesty I am a Breastfeeding advocate and supporter and of course I do support any other way of feeding method just to clarify that I am also not anti-formula or bottle feeding.

Anyways, I struggle a lot with breastfeeding and it first started when I was pregnant with my first born, Dagney. I bought books, read them front to back, figured out where to go for support and help if I needed it and so on, but something in me questioned my success, because of my experience with being sexually abused as a teenager, which made my breasts the main focus of the abuse.
 So it did. I let my abuse effect breastfeeding and I was not strong enough to over come it and succeed with breastfeeding from the actual breast. I am not going to go into great detail, but I did pump for 9.5 months for Dagney and with my second, Avalon I was successful at breastfeeding for 3 weeks until I could not do it anymore.
 Breastfeeding to me was not this lovey dovey connection, being close, amazing, happy time. It literally made my skin crawl with every latch and ever suck. I would dread every latch before it even happened. I could stand all the pain in the world on my nipples that was NOT the issue for me, heck I think it helped a bit. But mentally and emotionally it took a toll. Whenever Avalon would latch I would pinch myself hard on the leg and stare off. I couldn't stand looking at her the whole time she would be latched on. I would cry, not from the pain, but how uncomfortable I was with it. I'd have flash backs that would haunt me. I just could not get away from it. I started to regret having her, wanting to leave and never come back. It was like I was being physically violated all over again. I hate saying it, but that's exactly how I felt. It just was not a pleasant time at all for me. It was ruining our bonding time that is so important and what I wanted after dealing with bonding issues with my first.
 I cried thinking what was wrong with me? A Mother who can not over come her past to feed and nurture her child straight from the breast. Something I wanted to do so bad with my second and not have to be strapped to a pump 24/7 like I was last time. A Mother who just wanted to convenience, the closeness etc that breastfeeding can help with since I new I might struggle. I wanted it so bad, but I failed so fast.
 I ended up going with pumping again. I didn't really 100% want to, but I wanted all those feelings to just go away. I couldn't stand having her literally latched on for 7-12 hours straight. YES SHE WAS LATCHED to my breast for that long each day. The only time she would come off is to switch to the next. I just could not stand it any longer.
 I thought perhaps if she hadn't of had such a shallow latch with her upper lip tie and could actually feed for an hour and come off for an hour and back on for an hour and so on to give me a bit of a break I might of been a bit more successful who knows?
 Either way, I ended up exclusively pumping for 12.5 months and having a months worth of frozen milk to get her to 13.5 months. It was a great accomplishment.
 But how do I over come this? How can I make breastfeeding work if I ever have another child. That is something that I am terrified of. I really don't want to pump again, of course I will for my child like I did with my other two, but that is one reason why I stay clear of fully wanting a third child even though my heart wants it.
 Anyways, I am not even sure where this is going, but I thought perhaps this could help someone else in a similar situation not feel so a lone.
So next time you say breast is best to a woman. Remember every situation is different, every woman and baby is different.
I never understood if Mom is not happy than baby won't be happy and it really makes sense now. If I kept breastfeeding could the emotions gotten to me mentally so much so that I took my own life or my child's from all the regret I had with the breastfeeding? We just don't know, but I do know that I LOVED holding Avalon and feeding her a bottle. I felt calm, stared at her and so on when I switched to bottle feeding her my breastmilk. It was the right choice for us and I do not regret it at all.

10 thing you might not know about me!

I thought since the last blog post was about something a little more serious in my life I would take the chance to type up a fun one. Kind of like a get to know me blog. Here goes!


1) I am a gum chewer. I have been since I was a kid, but once a teenager I was addicted. I HAD to have a piece of gum in my mouth to chew at all times. Well other than when I was eating and sleeping of course.

2) I am terrified of a lot of things. Most thing that have a very slim chance of happening. For example being a small boat out on the water and a big huge hump back whale or really any whale for that matter swims up beside it. Just thinking about it makes me anxious!

3) I am claustrophobic. Small, tight places make me panic like my life is going to end. It also makes me uncomfortable seeing scenes on the television where someone is crawling through a tunnel in the ground, but a small tunnel. AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

4) I love walking bare foot in dirt, sand etc. But most of all dirt. I tend to be bare foot while gardening too just so I can feel the cool, damp, soft dirt on my feet. Now this makes me wish Winter was over!

5) I have always wanted to live on a big piece of private land, build a small house, have a small live stock and a nice big garden to live off of over the warmer months AND be as electronic free as possible. Just getting back to the basics. You know out houses, no electricity, wood burning stove to cook and keep warm with. That sort of thing. Which reminds me I use to watch all those reality shows that were based on modern people/families going in pioneer life. It excites me!

6) I don't shave OR rarely do. So yes I have hairy under arms, my legs are growing a forest and so on. I will shave for certain times of the year. Say I am going to be in a wedding, I will shave my under arm hairs and legs etc. But for the most part I am O NATURAL ;) Rawr!

7) I love being active. Going to the gym, being outside hiking and just in general doing something active outside I enjoy. It's my thing. However that's mostly in the warmer months. The freezing cold keeps me drawn inside like most people.

8) I won't buy plastic wrap or tin foil, unless I need it for something specific like camping. We use tinfoil while camping, but other than that I will not buy or use it. It's so horrible for the environment! 

9) I have had 5 knee surgeries so far in my life and I am sure I will need more as well as a knee replacement according to my specialist. It's no fun, but I think that's why I am drawn to being active. I want to cherish and make the best of what I have until I don't anymore. I think the surgery where I couldn't walk for 8 weeks was what made me realize my legs mean a lot to me.

10) Gardening!! I love having one, being in one and just watching things grow. I had my very first veggie garden when I was 13.

So there you have it. 10 things you might not known about me!