How I find motherhood so far.

  For the past couple of days or even weeks for that matter I have been wanting to blog more but I either don't have enough time, am so exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open to watch a simple show with my husband, Dustin or I am just too lazy. Actually I think it's probably a combination of all three.
  There is actually quite a lot of different topics I want to blog about, but I seem to feel so overwhelemed by all the topics that I don't even know where to begin or I just don't even want to bother. I think that is where the laziness comes into play. Well I guess the only way I can get anything out is starting from one topic to the next, right?
  How about we start with motherhood and what I did and did not expect, which I think there is a lot more of what I did not expect then there was what I did. How sad is that?
  Way before Dagney was even conceived I was holding back on jumping the gun and trying to conceive, because well lets face it I had major baby and pregnancy fever. I new the things I wanted from a home birth, cloth diapering, breastfeeding and being under the care of midwives, but the couple things that were holding us back were how big how living arragnments were, our income, my knee surgeries and saving money to be able to afford the baby items we needed to purchase. 2009 rolled around and we decided to get married and as we got married trying to conceive started. We were having problems in that department(Great! NOT!) with myself not being able to ovulate but with the help of some herbs(Vitex) it jump started my body into producing the neccesary hormones to make me ovulate and sustain a pregnancy. We conceive November 2009, with a estimated due date in August of 2010! How awesome was that? We hoped for a summer baby and even more better our or well my favourite month of the year.
  So going through pregnancy was a new thing for me, obviously since I hadn't been pregnant before and was I ever in for a big surprise. Not only did I constantly have people giving me tons of advice I also had a few friends and a family member drop out of my life. I think mostly my doing. No I did not scare them away, well I kind of did with one friend, but I removed them I guess you could say. Oh and lets not forget the constant comments to me about getting an epidural! People made me feel so dumb that I obviously had no idea that there was pain involved with childbirth. Geez, if every woman walked around on this planet thinking they wouldn't go through that much pain while giving birth to a baby we probably would have two times the amount of people earth, but we don't. I new there was going to be pain, a lot of it for a matter of fact. I obviously didn't know how much because like I said before this was my first child so I had no idea what to expect, but I new I was going to be having loads of pain. Anyways, I wanted to have a home birth and I did, but I wanted to do it drug free and all natural. Thats how I like living life. Doing things natural and the way mother earth intended things to be. I wanted the best start for my child and I didn't want to put those things through him(Go figure he would then need antibiotics and formula while in the nicu). So I new there was going to be pain, but I had no idea how much. By the end of my pregnancy I was becoming more and more anxious and scared at the fact that I might not be able to handle birth and the pain, want to transfer to the hospital so I could get some sort of drug to help. Well I guess I not only proved everyone that was badgering me to get the epidural but myself too. I was able to manage just fine and birthed my 9lb 13 oz baby boy! Yes, he was a chunker! hahaha
  So jumping right into motherhood. I new life would change, but (excuse my language) HOLY SHIT did they ever change and I was so not expecting it. I can honestly say I was selfish before having a child and I think most people are. We all take for granted how much time and energy we have on our hands. I now do eveyrthing for my son. Eating, going to the washroom, showering, watching tv, talking on the phone, chores, being social, etc ALL come last. I found I need to juggle and prioritize better which is a big learning thing for me. I use to be able to do it, but your skills are put to the test. Most of the time I barely get one chore done in a day which is sad, but I think that mostly has to do with having a very needy son and I pump breast milk anywhere from 5-8 times a day, which by the way I am looking forward to the day when I can no longer pump. Don't get me wrong I love the idea that he is getting breast milk and less formula and all the good stuff that comes a long with it, but it also is very time consuming.
  And lets not forget the amount of sleep you don't get. I new in the very beginning when you have a newborn you are up a lot with them to feed, change and comfort them and then once they start to get older they start to sleep a little better. Now if you have a child like how Dagney is who fights sleep, is a huge cat napper and wakes up A LOT through out the night them sleep is non existant in your life. No joke! Dagney goes to be anywhere from 7-8pm and will wake anywhere from 2-6 time by the time his next feeding around 11pm-12am rolls around. You feed him, sometime he will go back to sleep right away OR he will fuss, have a hard time falling back to sleep and you are stuck with a cranky tired child trying to help him get back to sleep which can take up to an hour sometimes. then get up once before the next feeding which is 3 hours after the last and repeat until around 5am when the fussing and restlessness start until he wakes fully at 7am. Yes, I get LOTS of sleep, NOT! It is VERY exhausting to say the least. Seriously lack of sleep puts my ability to be a mom, a wife and a living human being to the test. If it's not bad enough I am struggling with my postpartum depression I have to deal with lack of sleep too. I get very snappy, bitchy, rude, emotional, cry a lot, no motivation, defeated, frustrated and no patience when I am not getting sleep. I cry every day think about running away or jumping off our balcony which by the way I know is not good, but what can you do. I honestly say sometimes I have no idea why I decided to have a child. I don't even want to think or say that, but when you only get 4-5 hours of broken sleep a night and are seriously exhausted every single day you start to think some crazy stuff.
 Lets also not forget your relationship with your significant other too. Sleep comes into play with your relationship too. If you aren't getting enough sleep you turn into how I have and your relationship gets stressed or worn thin. It's not done purposely or anything but it for sure tests the limits on both partners. I know I sometimes wonder when will my husband, Dustin run away from me? I feel so horrible for him with how I am sometimes. He is such a great guy and I love him to death for being so patient with me.
  What about no social life, you can't just get up and do whatever with who ever. You have to find a babysitter and plan to go out. And its even worse if there is no one really you can go out with either.

  I just miss my sleep and lack of freedom the most. Or being able to sit on the couch in the afternoon and watch some shows or a movie. Have a nap if I wanted to. Join the gym and go, go out with Dustin and enjoy some time to ourselves. I for sure took the time to ourselves part for granted. I wished I had cherished and appreciated it a little more. Also I have found the more I go through the motherhood journey I think more and more about the lack of things I had growing up and wonder how come I never was able to have them and thats a struggle for me I guess. BUT I am now able to create some of those things I wasn't able to have for Dagney's life. There are so many things I want to do that I never got to do as a child. But I never in my wildest dream would have thought that would all pop up and give me some struggles. Nor did I think my sexual abuse would either. It didn't help with my breastfeeding experience nor has it helped with my own fears and worries with it and it possibly happening with Dagney. I am having a hard time trusting people with him alone other then Dustin. Lets just say motherhood is a whole life long worry and it never stops! haha
  So all I have been talking about is pretty much some of the negatives I guess you could say of motherhood so far, lets get to a few positive. I probably could write and write about all the positive, but I am getting tired and I don't want to write a novel.
  The love you have for such a small person is amazing! It;s breathtaking and words seriously can not express how much love you have for your child. I never in a million years would have thought this is how I was going to love my child, nor did I think it was at all possible either. I new I would love him and I loved him while he was inside me punching and having the hiccups, but once he was born and I have been nurturing him, loving, him etc. it is such a different love like no other. It;s not even the same love you would have for your significant other, pet or even a family member. I wish every woman or man could experience this kind of love.
  Also another thing, being proud of your child. I also never thought I would be so proud and happy about the little things they do. Even something simple as Dagney being interested in one of the couch pillows and banging on it makes me proud andhappy for him. I smile just watching him do anything really. His expressions he makes, his new milestones he achieves just everything he does makes me smile and get that butterfly feeling inside of me. I love him to the moon and back. He is my everything. I thrive for him and every decision, choice I make in my life it revolves around him. I want to be the best mother he has ever had and only has. I can not wait to watch him grow up into a young boy, teenager and then a man. See him succeed at things, learn from his mistakes, fall in love, see him enjoy new experiences and so on. Motherhood is such a wonderful journey I can not wait to go through the rest of it with him and any other children Dustin and I might end up having. Even though there are all those losses or negatives about becoming a mother, I wouldn't want any of my "old" life back.
I wish every woman and man could experience being a parent. Which will bring me to another topic of myself wanting to become a surrogate after we finish having children.