Don't worry, be happy.

I made the ultimate decision the other day, one that I am not proud of nor am I excited about. You might be wondering what this decision is?
 Well I decided I am going to try anti-depressants again after being off of them for 6 years now. I swore I would never go back on them and I would use the natural route. Well the natural route wasn't enough this time. Most that know me, know I have been battling Post Partum Deppression and bouts of PTSD as well from my experience of my birth, Dagney's NICU stay and all of his health problems & tests he endured for the first 4 months of his life. It was a rocky road and while going through it I will be honest I felt SO alone. The only person that could relate and I felt most not a lone with was my husband, Dustin. I know I had my lovely support system through Youtube and facebook, but it just wasn't enough. No one was there during the day while I was alone for 12 hour days with Dagney trying to deal with it all and taking him to all of his appointments. Well I had my MIL come once and Dustin come once, but all the other ones I did on my own. I wished I had someone to hold my hand or give me a hug and tell me it would be alright, but I didn't. I know I really shouldn't be thinking about ALL of that, especially since it is over with and in the past, but for myself who does take things hard it takes me a while to grieve and except what has happened. One day I will let it go and it wont haunt me anymore.
  Now I have a beautiful, caring, up beat, bright, funny, adorable, happy little guy I call my own and we all know who that is! Dagney! I should really learn from my son and not worry so much on how I may mess his life up, if I am doing the right thing or something needs to be perfect for him, but to watch him grow, grow with him and learn. I think children can teach us a feel things about life, we just have to let them or really observe them and how they go through life.
  Anyways, back to my decision. I guess I should explain why I never wanted to go back on them ever again, shouldn't I? When I was on anti-depressents as a teenager they made me feel like a zombie or very not in tune with things going on around me, I felt tired all the time and numb or oblivious to my problems and they also made me more suicidal then I was. So you can see why I am hesitant at taking them again. For myself I just didn't want to feel the  constant heartache or loss of interest I had been feeling for some time now and I was tired of missing out on Dagney's life feeling this way so that's why I made the decision to go back on them. I know I wont be on them for ever and I hope to wean myself off of them by the end of next year when we hope to try for another child, but that's a whole other story in it's self. I obviously need to be better myself before we can make that big leap too.
  So day two of taking them and I will admit I am not a fan right now. The side affects are what make me hate theses things. I feel fatigued or the zombie like feeling I mentioned earlier, nausea, weird dreams, anxiety, loss of appetite(caused by anxiety?), loss of control, dazed, and numb to feelings- which is the last thing I need right? I am going to give the medication about 6-8 weeks to work it's magic and if I still have all of these side affects I am going to wean myself off them with Doctor's guidance of course. Try something else maybe or maybe more of a herbal treatment.
  The loss of control, dazed and numb to feelings or thoughts part is what drives me bonkers the most about taking anti-depressents. I, myself am the type of person who does not like feeling drugged up, or the feelings you get from being buzzed from a drink of alcohol, high from weed or the feelings you get from taking Oxycontin for pain relief. I NEED to feel in control of myself or else I get anxiety, which is why I had a drug free birth. Then the dazed feeling I don't like either. I was telling Dustin last night that when Dagney and I go out we walk mostly every where and while I walk I pay attention to the birds, grass, trees, plants animals and just society in general and really enjoy it and watch it change through season, it's something I enjoy doing as well as I think in my mind about things I want do to in the future, daily life and things I am struggling at the time. But yesterday I was so dazed I cought myself not even paying attention to any of that and staring off into space, not even thinking about anything. This scared me. The few things I NEED to enjoy life these pills are making me oblivious to them. Not a fan at all. And what about feeling numb to emotions or thoughts, not a good thing either in my personal opinion for myself. Not that I wont to think about all the negative, not so pleasant things that have happened in the past or are currently happening in my personal life I still think it's a good idea to think about them. I was to think about them so I can go through the emotions of grieving, moving on and excepting and how am I suppose to do that when these pills are making me in a sense forget about them? Who knows really! But like I said I am going to see what happens with the pills and if they aren't for me then that's alright and I will stop taking them. I have to give them a chance first to at least say I tried them, right?

Anyways, I think I have written enough for now and it's time for lunch. Dagney is napping and I can relax and eat in peace.