The Judgement Train

   We all are guilty of passing judgement on other's, it just seem like it is programmed into us at a very young age than becomes much more apparent as we get older. Judgement can be positive, but it also can be negative as well. This is where I am trying to change my thought process and become far more open minded compared to a few years ago.
I feel like most of us should really realize how destructive judgement not only can impact other's, but ourselves and our children.

I want to raise my children to be accepting of other's and not just jump to bad judgement, but rather have an open mind for a situation or person.  So to do that I have to lead by example, right? I feel this is one of the simplest ways to teach a child something. I also want to be able to have them come to me if they ever need to without feeling scared or embarrassed.

So next time you see someone or hear a story of a situation lets try to think with an open rather than quickly hoping onto the judgement train.

I think society would be much more supportive and caring if we were like that.

Dagney is an AMAZING boy!

As a baby I new he was going to be an amazing kid as he grew older, but I also new he was going to have some struggles from how he reacted and struggled with certain situations and sensory in his life.
 Dagney, my oldest who will be four in August struggles with sensory and other things. It can be exhausting, challenging, frustrating, but also very fun and amusing with a child who is what one would call sensational. He is an amazing kid!
 With a lot of determination my husband and I figured we needed to look deeper into his struggles before he started Kindergarten so us as parents, perhaps his future teachers and any one else can help him thrive even more in his life. We decided to talk with our family doctor who agreed we should see a Behavioural Pediatrician, who we saw this morning. After explain Dagney's struggles and the Doctor asked a lot of questions too. He said it was clear to him Dagney is a sensational child who has Sensory Processing Disorder and possibly High Functioning Autism, BUT he wants to do another evolution with Dagney to get a better diagnoses. With that being said, both my husband, myself and the Pediatrician agreed that it wasn't just a blank diagnoses, he wants to put a name to his struggles so we can cater to that exact issue to help Dagney thrive. No medicating to cover anything up just yet unless everything else has been exhausted and it is something as the parents think he might need. Which right now I want to stay far from it.
  That being said even though in my heart he is still the same boy I birthed at home and have cared for, loved, had fun with and also been exhausted from(hahaha) it is comforting knowing we have a diagnoses to be able to access the specific help for that diagnoses. I am heartbroken, but yet relieved all at the same time. I am hoping this doesn't change anyone to be more negative towards him or treat him less, because of this. I hope others are more open minded and supportive of him and his struggles and differences. There is nothing WRONG with him, there is everything RIGHT with him. This just makes him unique and will possibly help him thrive in certain areas of life that most of us can't.

Building MY dream home

So lets build my dream home. Be warned this isn't the average dream home most would want. I am a simple living type of woman and LOVE the idea of living off the grid. So here goes.

1) What would the outside of my house look like. Imagine a small log cabin that has a few windows in the front with some flower boxes hanging below them and perhaps in the back or sides. It might remind you of a little cottage.

2) If we live off the grid, my family and I how would we heat it in the dead of winter you might ask? Well a wood burning stove! Now this will be good not only for heating the place in the winter, but also cooking, heating water up for warm baths etc. Plus we might have a wood burning fire place.

3) How big is the inside of this home of ours? Well small! One main room where the cooking takes place plus the family time, a small bathroom and a loft where we would all sleep. So maybe 800sq feet or less The loft is smaller in this picture, but it gives your mind an idea what there would be.And of course no air conditioner or ceiling fan. ;)

4) Lets talk the bathroom. Since there isn't any running water. GASP! I know crazy isn't it? There would be an out house style toilet that would be emptied daily into the out house we would have outside of our home that would be used mostly in the spring, summer and fall. Winter months and probably at night for the kids the inside one would be used for that time period. The bath tub would be a wooden tub with a hole and a hose going out the side of the home to drain. And last but not least where we would wash our face and hands? Well in a tin tub/sink so it can be dumped once you are finished.

5)How would we see if it's dark since we have zero electricity? Well well well! Oil burning lamps or candles! We have always used those while camping or at the cottage so it would be perfect. We just have to be extra cautious. We might have some solar power panel on our roof to make sure we are plugged in for our cell phones in case of emergency and having a small chest freezer and a refrigerator for food.

6) Lets talk washing clothing! Now a days most of us woman dread laundry, because it can be such a process and even so my way of doing it if we were have our dream home would be a lot of work as well. I want to get back to basics. So a stainless steal washing machine contraption. It rings out clothes manualy and bucket area I would use this neat looking plunger.And of course hanging the clothes to dry. Something I do in my life when the weather gets warmer.

7) Lets talk about the outside! This is something that is the most important to my home. A big piece of land with lots of garden area for flowers, herbs, veggies, fruits to be grown and a small amount of animals to raise for our food  consumption so we don't have to buy very much from the farmers market or grocery stores.

8) Let's not forget about kid geared stuff to have fun. I am sure the children's imagination would be just as good, but even so it would be nice to have some other fun things to do especially us adults who are still kids at heart. How about some tire swings, a tree house, slides, some hammocks to relax in and possibly sleep in at night when the nights are too hot to be inside. And a pond! one to swim in. I know I am sure some think that is kind of nuts, but I grew up swimming in ponds and lakes, it was tons of fun! The pond can also acts as a watering hole for the free roaming animals too. So just think while you are swimming around in the pond a cow is drinking from the shore just on the other side. What a lovely sight to see, don't you think?

9) Where would we get our water from? I guess I should of mentioned this before since we wouldn't have running water. A hand pump that's located outside somewhere, some rain barrels and if all else fails the store! But if you just boil the water really good it should be safe to drink. I've done it many of times while camping.

I think that's about it for how I would want my dream home one day. :)




**All of the pictures are not mine. I found them on pinterest**

Why I struggled with Breastfeeding.

 I will be the first to support any Mother that wants or needs help with breastfeeding their baby. I am the one who loves seeing woman post beautiful pictures of their child(ren) breasfeeding and want to high five those Mother's that breastfeed in public with or without covering up. Now that didn't sound creepy at all! HA! But in all honesty I am a Breastfeeding advocate and supporter and of course I do support any other way of feeding method just to clarify that I am also not anti-formula or bottle feeding.

Anyways, I struggle a lot with breastfeeding and it first started when I was pregnant with my first born, Dagney. I bought books, read them front to back, figured out where to go for support and help if I needed it and so on, but something in me questioned my success, because of my experience with being sexually abused as a teenager, which made my breasts the main focus of the abuse.
 So it did. I let my abuse effect breastfeeding and I was not strong enough to over come it and succeed with breastfeeding from the actual breast. I am not going to go into great detail, but I did pump for 9.5 months for Dagney and with my second, Avalon I was successful at breastfeeding for 3 weeks until I could not do it anymore.
 Breastfeeding to me was not this lovey dovey connection, being close, amazing, happy time. It literally made my skin crawl with every latch and ever suck. I would dread every latch before it even happened. I could stand all the pain in the world on my nipples that was NOT the issue for me, heck I think it helped a bit. But mentally and emotionally it took a toll. Whenever Avalon would latch I would pinch myself hard on the leg and stare off. I couldn't stand looking at her the whole time she would be latched on. I would cry, not from the pain, but how uncomfortable I was with it. I'd have flash backs that would haunt me. I just could not get away from it. I started to regret having her, wanting to leave and never come back. It was like I was being physically violated all over again. I hate saying it, but that's exactly how I felt. It just was not a pleasant time at all for me. It was ruining our bonding time that is so important and what I wanted after dealing with bonding issues with my first.
 I cried thinking what was wrong with me? A Mother who can not over come her past to feed and nurture her child straight from the breast. Something I wanted to do so bad with my second and not have to be strapped to a pump 24/7 like I was last time. A Mother who just wanted to convenience, the closeness etc that breastfeeding can help with since I new I might struggle. I wanted it so bad, but I failed so fast.
 I ended up going with pumping again. I didn't really 100% want to, but I wanted all those feelings to just go away. I couldn't stand having her literally latched on for 7-12 hours straight. YES SHE WAS LATCHED to my breast for that long each day. The only time she would come off is to switch to the next. I just could not stand it any longer.
 I thought perhaps if she hadn't of had such a shallow latch with her upper lip tie and could actually feed for an hour and come off for an hour and back on for an hour and so on to give me a bit of a break I might of been a bit more successful who knows?
 Either way, I ended up exclusively pumping for 12.5 months and having a months worth of frozen milk to get her to 13.5 months. It was a great accomplishment.
 But how do I over come this? How can I make breastfeeding work if I ever have another child. That is something that I am terrified of. I really don't want to pump again, of course I will for my child like I did with my other two, but that is one reason why I stay clear of fully wanting a third child even though my heart wants it.
 Anyways, I am not even sure where this is going, but I thought perhaps this could help someone else in a similar situation not feel so a lone.
So next time you say breast is best to a woman. Remember every situation is different, every woman and baby is different.
I never understood if Mom is not happy than baby won't be happy and it really makes sense now. If I kept breastfeeding could the emotions gotten to me mentally so much so that I took my own life or my child's from all the regret I had with the breastfeeding? We just don't know, but I do know that I LOVED holding Avalon and feeding her a bottle. I felt calm, stared at her and so on when I switched to bottle feeding her my breastmilk. It was the right choice for us and I do not regret it at all.

10 thing you might not know about me!

I thought since the last blog post was about something a little more serious in my life I would take the chance to type up a fun one. Kind of like a get to know me blog. Here goes!


1) I am a gum chewer. I have been since I was a kid, but once a teenager I was addicted. I HAD to have a piece of gum in my mouth to chew at all times. Well other than when I was eating and sleeping of course.

2) I am terrified of a lot of things. Most thing that have a very slim chance of happening. For example being a small boat out on the water and a big huge hump back whale or really any whale for that matter swims up beside it. Just thinking about it makes me anxious!

3) I am claustrophobic. Small, tight places make me panic like my life is going to end. It also makes me uncomfortable seeing scenes on the television where someone is crawling through a tunnel in the ground, but a small tunnel. AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

4) I love walking bare foot in dirt, sand etc. But most of all dirt. I tend to be bare foot while gardening too just so I can feel the cool, damp, soft dirt on my feet. Now this makes me wish Winter was over!

5) I have always wanted to live on a big piece of private land, build a small house, have a small live stock and a nice big garden to live off of over the warmer months AND be as electronic free as possible. Just getting back to the basics. You know out houses, no electricity, wood burning stove to cook and keep warm with. That sort of thing. Which reminds me I use to watch all those reality shows that were based on modern people/families going in pioneer life. It excites me!

6) I don't shave OR rarely do. So yes I have hairy under arms, my legs are growing a forest and so on. I will shave for certain times of the year. Say I am going to be in a wedding, I will shave my under arm hairs and legs etc. But for the most part I am O NATURAL ;) Rawr!

7) I love being active. Going to the gym, being outside hiking and just in general doing something active outside I enjoy. It's my thing. However that's mostly in the warmer months. The freezing cold keeps me drawn inside like most people.

8) I won't buy plastic wrap or tin foil, unless I need it for something specific like camping. We use tinfoil while camping, but other than that I will not buy or use it. It's so horrible for the environment! 

9) I have had 5 knee surgeries so far in my life and I am sure I will need more as well as a knee replacement according to my specialist. It's no fun, but I think that's why I am drawn to being active. I want to cherish and make the best of what I have until I don't anymore. I think the surgery where I couldn't walk for 8 weeks was what made me realize my legs mean a lot to me.

10) Gardening!! I love having one, being in one and just watching things grow. I had my very first veggie garden when I was 13.

So there you have it. 10 things you might not known about me!

The hard decision about expanding our family.

I have been doing a lot of thinking as of lately and I thought I would jot them down in my blog and get them out of my mind so I am not running in circles.
 You know that hard decision whether to expand your family or keep it the same size. I new before having Dagney in my heart I had hoped to have three children of my own and once Dagney was born that thought still stuck with me. Well now after having Avalon, our second child in my heart I still had that inkling feeling of a third, but I new I could not be pregnant for at least another 3-5 years. Now I know you are asking why, right? Here are most of the reasons.

1~ I NEED to nurture myself, deal with my anxiety and depression and get my body back to being healthy.

2~ I NEED to be free of (this will sound completely selfish as I am sure most things do) having my body controlled by someone else. Pregnancy is 9 months and it restricts me A LOT and I just weaned from exclusively pumping. I am free again or WE are free again to come and go when we please and aren't restricted nor am I on a timer for when I need to pump next and it feels great to have that freedom for myself and my children back.

3~ I NEED to spend time one of one with Avalon. I personally felt Dagney lost out on that and so did I when I was pregnant with Avalon and when she was a baby. Dagney will be starting school in September, which means almost all of my time during the day will be devoted to her and I to bond. We will be missing Dagney though!

4~ Financially we can not care for a third child. We are already penny pinching as it is right now with two.

5~ Vehicle. We have a small hatch back car that is big enough for the four of us, but would not be big enough if we were a 5 person family so in 3 years our vehicle will be paid off and we hope to purchase a bigger vehicle.

6~ I want Avalon to be in school if and when we have a third so I can deal with just the baby during the day instead of two again. My babies seem to be VERY colicky and have sever reflux which restricts me from really doing much at all and I want to minimize my other children to have to be around a crying baby. It's not a fun situation for anyone to be in and I am sure those that have had a colicky, reflux baby completely understand. 

Now I know some if not all of these reasons may not be the same as you or you wouldn't let those get in the way of expanding your family, but it is something myself and my husband both feel strongly about.

On to another thing. We aren't even sure we WILL have a third in 3-5 years either.

The thought of another potential c-section gives me much sadness, even though I hope to have a vaginal birth . The thought of struggling with breastfeeding as I did with both of my other two and than really feeling the strain from exclusively pumping and it's effects not only on me, but the rest of our family.And then there is me wanting to get my high school diploma, go to college and have a career. I know some are capable of doing this with having a baby, but I rather not have to juggle it all while I am trying to focus on schooling. I want to succeed and for me and how I learn(I am a VERY slow learner) I need all the time I can get to devote to school.
So for now we are not expanding our family anytime soon and making sure it is prevented. I am content with this decision for now and I am ready to enjoy our family of four!