I am stupid.

Ever since I was a child I told myself this.

"I am stupid."

I know, how sad is that? I was always two to three years behind my peers. I always needed help with learning and even in my evaluations  as a child, it states very poor congnitive memory.

I remember the time I really realized how behind I was and it sucked. My school and special education teacher tried so hard to help me, but what I didnt realize was they were trying to get my Mother on board too and be a very active role in helping me succeed and get to where I needed to be. This didnt happen.  Why, I am not sure and I frankly do not want to know. I do also remember the struggles in school and at home. I remember crying out of frustration at myself. What an awful feeling it was to feel stupid and still is.

I can't read and retain the information at all. I know it some what has to do with a lot of factors. Stress, sleep, topics and the text its written in. I can read tons of information or small and it still just will not stick in my brain. I can spend hours and hours trying to study or remember something so simple for some, but for me it gets lost inside my brain. I jist do not remember.

I give up often, I will call myself stupid out loud and realizing now even in front of my own children and my husband.

This isn't healthy. I can't bring myself down like that in front of my children. They see how I treat myself and will think that is an acceptable way to treat themselves. I do not wan't that.

But it can be so very defeating, depressing and plane lonely when everyone else around you succeeding at something and some are succeeding at the things I wish I could. Plain and simple lonely and some times heart breaking. I cry sometimes. Just sit in tears wishing I was different, had a part of what almost everyone has that I do not. How do I get that, I may never get that.

However, could my own monster who breaks myself down on a daily basis just making matters worse. Could having a bit of hope and confidence help me get somewhere I want? Or just half way there?   I know I will have to work so much harder than most, but if I just believed and took the statement-

"I am stupid"

Changed it to.

"I am enough."
"I can do it."
"I believe in myself."

Would that help? Would that help me succeed. But most of all would it allow myself to not let my kids do the same to themselves.

Dagney is an AMAZING boy!

As a baby I new he was going to be an amazing kid as he grew older, but I also new he was going to have some struggles from how he reacted and struggled with certain situations and sensory in his life.
 Dagney, my oldest who will be four in August struggles with sensory and other things. It can be exhausting, challenging, frustrating, but also very fun and amusing with a child who is what one would call sensational. He is an amazing kid!
 With a lot of determination my husband and I figured we needed to look deeper into his struggles before he started Kindergarten so us as parents, perhaps his future teachers and any one else can help him thrive even more in his life. We decided to talk with our family doctor who agreed we should see a Behavioural Pediatrician, who we saw this morning. After explain Dagney's struggles and the Doctor asked a lot of questions too. He said it was clear to him Dagney is a sensational child who has Sensory Processing Disorder and possibly High Functioning Autism, BUT he wants to do another evolution with Dagney to get a better diagnoses. With that being said, both my husband, myself and the Pediatrician agreed that it wasn't just a blank diagnoses, he wants to put a name to his struggles so we can cater to that exact issue to help Dagney thrive. No medicating to cover anything up just yet unless everything else has been exhausted and it is something as the parents think he might need. Which right now I want to stay far from it.
  That being said even though in my heart he is still the same boy I birthed at home and have cared for, loved, had fun with and also been exhausted from(hahaha) it is comforting knowing we have a diagnoses to be able to access the specific help for that diagnoses. I am heartbroken, but yet relieved all at the same time. I am hoping this doesn't change anyone to be more negative towards him or treat him less, because of this. I hope others are more open minded and supportive of him and his struggles and differences. There is nothing WRONG with him, there is everything RIGHT with him. This just makes him unique and will possibly help him thrive in certain areas of life that most of us can't.