I am stupid.

Ever since I was a child I told myself this.

"I am stupid."

I know, how sad is that? I was always two to three years behind my peers. I always needed help with learning and even in my evaluations  as a child, it states very poor congnitive memory.

I remember the time I really realized how behind I was and it sucked. My school and special education teacher tried so hard to help me, but what I didnt realize was they were trying to get my Mother on board too and be a very active role in helping me succeed and get to where I needed to be. This didnt happen.  Why, I am not sure and I frankly do not want to know. I do also remember the struggles in school and at home. I remember crying out of frustration at myself. What an awful feeling it was to feel stupid and still is.

I can't read and retain the information at all. I know it some what has to do with a lot of factors. Stress, sleep, topics and the text its written in. I can read tons of information or small and it still just will not stick in my brain. I can spend hours and hours trying to study or remember something so simple for some, but for me it gets lost inside my brain. I jist do not remember.

I give up often, I will call myself stupid out loud and realizing now even in front of my own children and my husband.

This isn't healthy. I can't bring myself down like that in front of my children. They see how I treat myself and will think that is an acceptable way to treat themselves. I do not wan't that.

But it can be so very defeating, depressing and plane lonely when everyone else around you succeeding at something and some are succeeding at the things I wish I could. Plain and simple lonely and some times heart breaking. I cry sometimes. Just sit in tears wishing I was different, had a part of what almost everyone has that I do not. How do I get that, I may never get that.

However, could my own monster who breaks myself down on a daily basis just making matters worse. Could having a bit of hope and confidence help me get somewhere I want? Or just half way there?   I know I will have to work so much harder than most, but if I just believed and took the statement-

"I am stupid"

Changed it to.

"I am enough."
"I can do it."
"I believe in myself."

Would that help? Would that help me succeed. But most of all would it allow myself to not let my kids do the same to themselves.

We need to appreciate nature and the small things more.

I think us humans need to appreciate things in life a little more. We tend to get caught up in what is being aired on tv, our materialist objects, small problems we make into huge mole hills and forget to appreciate small things this earth gives to us. We really do need to stop and smell the flowers more, maybe we would all be a little more content with even the negative in life or some of our problems wouldn't have such an impact on us. I really want to start trying to take a step back whenever anything stressful happens or anything in my life gets in the way of potentially enjoying something. I am the type of person that is not very optimistic, hell I am not really at all. I use to say I expect the worst, but hope for the best in everything, which in most cases it always does end up being the worst, but I can't keep looking for that or else I am never going to enjoy the little things in life.

I have learned a lot since growing up, gone through a lot and I guess I can admit that with those good and bad things that I have experienced and gone through it has made me who I am today. I always said I would LOVE to erase all those shitty things that happened and just forget about them, but I think if I did I would lose a part of me and who I have become so now I take back what I have always said and I am actually kinda glad that all that has happened. Even since becoming pregnant with my daughter things have changed hugely and even how I look at things now.

Anyways, I have no idea where this is going, but I just think we all need to appreciate teh small things in life, especially what nature has to offer. Nature is such a beautiful thing in life and it gets skipped over and I think maybe for myself to be able to deal with worry and stress less is to take time out of my life and enjoy it! I want to teach my daughter this too when she comes, while she is growing up. Have a love for nature and not get all tyed up in materialistic things like everyone else does.

I want a simple life, and nothing but the simplest things. I don't need stuff to be happy.

****This was written while I was pregnant when I thought Dagney was a girl! I still think this though!!****