Ever since I was a child I told myself this.
"I am stupid."
I know, how sad is that? I was always two to three years behind my peers. I always needed help with learning and even in my evaluations as a child, it states very poor congnitive memory.
I remember the time I really realized how behind I was and it sucked. My school and special education teacher tried so hard to help me, but what I didnt realize was they were trying to get my Mother on board too and be a very active role in helping me succeed and get to where I needed to be. This didnt happen. Why, I am not sure and I frankly do not want to know. I do also remember the struggles in school and at home. I remember crying out of frustration at myself. What an awful feeling it was to feel stupid and still is.
I can't read and retain the information at all. I know it some what has to do with a lot of factors. Stress, sleep, topics and the text its written in. I can read tons of information or small and it still just will not stick in my brain. I can spend hours and hours trying to study or remember something so simple for some, but for me it gets lost inside my brain. I jist do not remember.
I give up often, I will call myself stupid out loud and realizing now even in front of my own children and my husband.
This isn't healthy. I can't bring myself down like that in front of my children. They see how I treat myself and will think that is an acceptable way to treat themselves. I do not wan't that.
But it can be so very defeating, depressing and plane lonely when everyone else around you succeeding at something and some are succeeding at the things I wish I could. Plain and simple lonely and some times heart breaking. I cry sometimes. Just sit in tears wishing I was different, had a part of what almost everyone has that I do not. How do I get that, I may never get that.
However, could my own monster who breaks myself down on a daily basis just making matters worse. Could having a bit of hope and confidence help me get somewhere I want? Or just half way there? I know I will have to work so much harder than most, but if I just believed and took the statement-
"I am stupid"
Changed it to.
"I am enough."
"I can do it."
"I believe in myself."
Would that help? Would that help me succeed. But most of all would it allow myself to not let my kids do the same to themselves.
This broke my heart! You are an amazing mother, wife, friend, woman. I often find myself sitting in admiration of you, how you parent, the values you instill in your kids, the way you advocate for them, doing you beat to make sure they have the things they need, know they are loved. We all have things we dislike about ourselves, you are not alone. It is so easy to focus on them and start to tear ourselves down, but you are more than enough, and to your wonderful children you are everything they need and more. ��
ReplyDeleteJust remember the grass is always greener. When you may be envying someones life for all you know they may be envying yours! Maybe they want two adorable children and want to be a stay at home wife but can have neither for various reasons. You aren't stupid at all. You just have challenges that some people do not face and challenges that some people may have worse. I can relate somewhat to this about the frustration of not being able to retain information.
ReplyDeleteSaying that someone may have it worse than me and like I shouldn't feel how I do about it makes it like someone saying one cant be happy because someone always has it better.
DeleteIts not just a frustration. I HAVE learning disabilities. When you cant remember your name, age, your address, childrens birthdates. You cant remember certain fruits or vegetables names. I am losing my memory and trying to regain it is not working with my already existing learning disabilities. But thanks for the "you shouldn't feel how you feel because someone has it worse" comment. :)
Uhhh no thats not how I meant my comment at all. I meant the grass ISN'T always greener. If you envy someone else for something just realize that they may be thinking the same things as you that you're life is better then theirs because you have two children, a loving husband and seem really happy. Just because you are losing your memory (which I completely know where you are coming from because I have had the same issues you just described) doesn't mean you're stupid. You're not stupid!!! You're just losing your memory, those two things are completely different from each other! Learning disability or not you are still NOT stupid or an idiot! I never meant to imply you are not entitled to feel how you do or that it is wrong by whole point was to just keep in mind that when you are feeling down in the dumps there is someone who is jealous of your life and wants what you have. The other point was to try and cheer you up telling you you aren't dumb so you shouldn't tell yourself that but rather are just dealing with things but its the internet and obviously things like this get taken into a different context. Additionally there was a completely separate add on to my reply saying who I was and how I was a real idiot because I couldn't figure out how to properly do comments but obviously that didn't get posted.
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