I am stupid.

Ever since I was a child I told myself this.

"I am stupid."

I know, how sad is that? I was always two to three years behind my peers. I always needed help with learning and even in my evaluations  as a child, it states very poor congnitive memory.

I remember the time I really realized how behind I was and it sucked. My school and special education teacher tried so hard to help me, but what I didnt realize was they were trying to get my Mother on board too and be a very active role in helping me succeed and get to where I needed to be. This didnt happen.  Why, I am not sure and I frankly do not want to know. I do also remember the struggles in school and at home. I remember crying out of frustration at myself. What an awful feeling it was to feel stupid and still is.

I can't read and retain the information at all. I know it some what has to do with a lot of factors. Stress, sleep, topics and the text its written in. I can read tons of information or small and it still just will not stick in my brain. I can spend hours and hours trying to study or remember something so simple for some, but for me it gets lost inside my brain. I jist do not remember.

I give up often, I will call myself stupid out loud and realizing now even in front of my own children and my husband.

This isn't healthy. I can't bring myself down like that in front of my children. They see how I treat myself and will think that is an acceptable way to treat themselves. I do not wan't that.

But it can be so very defeating, depressing and plane lonely when everyone else around you succeeding at something and some are succeeding at the things I wish I could. Plain and simple lonely and some times heart breaking. I cry sometimes. Just sit in tears wishing I was different, had a part of what almost everyone has that I do not. How do I get that, I may never get that.

However, could my own monster who breaks myself down on a daily basis just making matters worse. Could having a bit of hope and confidence help me get somewhere I want? Or just half way there?   I know I will have to work so much harder than most, but if I just believed and took the statement-

"I am stupid"

Changed it to.

"I am enough."
"I can do it."
"I believe in myself."

Would that help? Would that help me succeed. But most of all would it allow myself to not let my kids do the same to themselves.

Getting back to ME

   A lot of people that know me, know that I struggle really bad with depression especially during the colder months. So I am looking into some more natural forms to help me combat this until the warmer more brighter months like summer. Oh lovely summer how I miss you!

I have done a bit of research and talked to my health care provider about taking a natural supplement called 5HTP, which has been found to really help with anxiety and depression. There are some side effects, but what medication or supplement doesn't come with the possibility of side effects. I personally had to weigh the pros and cons to each side and make a choice with what I wanted to do. So I am now taking 100mg of 5HTP. So far it has been 5 days and I have noticed a big different so far. One thing I have noticed other than my mood being a lot more positive with some motivation on my side is that my need to eat food to help me feel better isn't there anymore. Yes, I was one to eat to fill a void and try to help me feel better, which has not helped and I have gained 10lbs in the last 5 months. I almost have to make myself consume a meal or a snack. The last few days I have had to force myself to eat actually. Well I lie, by 2pm in the afternoon is when I had bad hunger pains, but all morning I had zero hunger pains or want to eat. But don't you worry I wont be starving myself, I plan to get on a good healthy eating habits roll so my body is being given the best to help with depression. 

Another good thing I am making sure I take is vitamin D, fish oils, multi vitamin and a complex B vitamin which are all suppose to aid in mental health. And last but not least is exercise! I am one of those crazy nut cases that actually enjoys going to a gym and working out for 1-2 hours daily. If I could fit in being a gym addict now that I am a busy Mother I would. Some Mom's have a glass of wine and GASP some Mothers will do some *cough* illegal activity *cough* to get through their day. Neither of those are for me personally, but give me a gym membership and I will use it to my full advantage. Now give me a treadmill and stationary bike at home and I wont touch it, go figure. Something about getting out of the home, being by myself and working hard on weight machines gives me a natural high. Maybe it's adrenaline and serotonin combined, but whatever it may be it helps my mood. 

So lets mark 2014 the year to really kick depression in the butt and out the door! Anyone with me? Do you suffer from depression? How do you help it. Did you find anti-depressants to help a lot or do you find a combination of anti depressants and natural forms to really help. Please share with me your secrets to kick your depression in the butt.

Photo is not mine personally, but it's beautiful so I thought I would share. Nature is another natural antidepressant.

What's going on?

  I always want to update my blog more and think about it, but I never actually do it. Maybe I am lazy or maybe I just don't have enough time? Either way I really should update it more.
  I've been on Zoloft for approx. 3 weeks now and so far so good. The first week and a half was rough and I will admit I was scared a lot about being back on anti-depressants. I don't really have anymore side effects other then feeling like a zombie walking through life ever so often. I purposely make myself think about EVERYTHING in life so I can still enjoy the small things like nature while I am out for a walk with Dagney or my issues I am having and trying to deal with. I don't feel so miserable, sad, depressed, anxious, loss of interest in things and a bunch of other stuff. All in all they're working out good so far, but I will admit I am looking forward to when I can wean off of them and be back to being natural. One step at a time, right?
  I start counseling just over a week ago, finally. It was about time. The place I go has a few interns there trying to get experience so my counselor is an intern. I am not 100% satisfied with this only reason because she doesn't have much experience with people and situations to really help, but I am keeping my mind open for the possibility that she can help me. I do want her to have experience and if I can teach her a few things, especially around postpartum depression and birth trauma so she can put that to use if anyone else comes to her with something similar then I will be glad.
  Both sessions I have gone to we have just talked about my family history, what led me to come there for help, etc. It was a lot to talk about for two hours, but everything is out in the open. I can't hide things, because I feel if I were to hide anything then it may hold me back from really healing from what is going on. She gave me some home work to work on over the next week until I see her again next Friday. Feels weird to have home work. But I think it will help. I have to write down on a piece of paper if I have a thought or feeling pertaining to my birth or any other triggering past experience. Write down the emotion, what I was doing just before that feeling/thought came about and how I handled it. So far I have had two things happen. Haven't written them down, but I will.
  I am glad to be getting things on the roll and hopefully get towards a happier or at least a more excepting and content life.


 I started the photography class I signed up for last month. It's alright, but really boring. I thought I would enjoy it more, but I don't know if my mind is just on other things right now or I just can't find the attention span to listen and pay attention, which has been something I have struggled with since I was in school. I could never just sit there and listen. I need to actually be doing things. I can teach myself or work hands on learning, but sitting there listening to a teacher talk for 2.5 hours just does not work for me. I must have a different learning style. So need less to say I am bored in the class and I probably could have taught myself better. Owell!

  Dagney is doing good. He is flourishing every day. He has such a great personality and he makes Dustin and I laugh at him all the time. He went through a week of chicken pox last week which wasn't so fun for him or us. He had them bad to the point of having them in the back of his throat, which restricted him from eating or drinking. I felt so horrible for him, because there wasn't really anything we could do for him. Thank goodness Dustin had that week off, but I was bummed, because we had a lot planned for family things. We spent the week together and I guess that's all that matters, right? He is fully over them now so he should have life time immunity to them.
  I've taught him how to say "done" which is super cute. I wanted him to say "done" after he ate so he wouldn't whine and throw his food on the floor, which has helped, but now he says it all the time. So all the way through him either his meal he will sound like this. "mmmm mmmm, done!" "mmm" "done!" as he puts more food in his mouth. Or he will run around our home saying "done, done, done" all the time. He can say "bum" when he wants to, "dad", "mom", "kitty" and that's about it. He does try to say "tickle, tickle" when he goes to tickle something or "cookie, cookie" when he is eating a cookie, which is super cute. He signs "food", "more" and "milk". I am not sure if we are going to teach him more signs or just try to get his speech going more.
  He gives kisses and hugs, which the other day the cutest thing ever happened. I was sitting on our living room floor reading a piece of paper and Dagney came, stood in front of me, took both his hands, put them on my cheeks and leaned in to give me one of those open mouthed kid kisses. It was the most amazing, sweetest, cutest thing EVER! My heart seriously melted to a puddle. I love that he is so affectionate.

Ahhh I just love him!

Anyways, I think that's all I am going to write for now. Have any questions? Feel free to ask and I will post them in another blog soon.

We need to appreciate nature and the small things more.

I think us humans need to appreciate things in life a little more. We tend to get caught up in what is being aired on tv, our materialist objects, small problems we make into huge mole hills and forget to appreciate small things this earth gives to us. We really do need to stop and smell the flowers more, maybe we would all be a little more content with even the negative in life or some of our problems wouldn't have such an impact on us. I really want to start trying to take a step back whenever anything stressful happens or anything in my life gets in the way of potentially enjoying something. I am the type of person that is not very optimistic, hell I am not really at all. I use to say I expect the worst, but hope for the best in everything, which in most cases it always does end up being the worst, but I can't keep looking for that or else I am never going to enjoy the little things in life.

I have learned a lot since growing up, gone through a lot and I guess I can admit that with those good and bad things that I have experienced and gone through it has made me who I am today. I always said I would LOVE to erase all those shitty things that happened and just forget about them, but I think if I did I would lose a part of me and who I have become so now I take back what I have always said and I am actually kinda glad that all that has happened. Even since becoming pregnant with my daughter things have changed hugely and even how I look at things now.

Anyways, I have no idea where this is going, but I just think we all need to appreciate teh small things in life, especially what nature has to offer. Nature is such a beautiful thing in life and it gets skipped over and I think maybe for myself to be able to deal with worry and stress less is to take time out of my life and enjoy it! I want to teach my daughter this too when she comes, while she is growing up. Have a love for nature and not get all tyed up in materialistic things like everyone else does.

I want a simple life, and nothing but the simplest things. I don't need stuff to be happy.

****This was written while I was pregnant when I thought Dagney was a girl! I still think this though!!****