Recipe time!!! Quinoa Stuffed Peppers

I made this a few weeks back when I was visiting with my Grandparents in Florida. My Grandfather didn't really like it very much at all, but my Grandmother, myself, my husband enjoyed them.

Keep in mind you don't have to add meat if you are vegetarian and you don't have to add cheese if you are vegan.

Stuffing Ingredients:

8oz of extra-lean ground turkey or chicken.
1/2 small onion chopped
1/2 red bell pepper chopped
1 cup slice mushrooms
1 tbsp chopped rosemary
1 tbsp chopped fresh thyme
1 tomato chopped
1 small zucchini chopped
1 cup cooked quinoa
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp freshly ground black pepper

Other Ingredients:

1 large orange bell pepper
1 large yellow pepper
1 tomato sliced into four thick slices
1/4 cup dry white wine
1 cup shredded swiss cheese

Directions:

Cut orange and yellow peppers in half lengthwise and remove core and seeds

Trim a thin slice off the bottom of each to allow to lie flat

In the casserole dish, microwave peppers, covered, on high for 3 minutes, or until tender-crisp. Let cool to room temperature, covered. Drain and pat dry.

Prepare the stuffing.
In a large skillet, over medium heat, brown meat until no pink remains.

Add onion, red pepper, mushrooms, rosemary and thyme; cook stirring, until onions are translucent, about 3 minutes.

Add chopped tomato and zucchini and cook, stirring, for 5 minutes.

Stir in quinoa, salt, pepper.

In the casserole dish, arrange tomato slices and add wine. Set each pepper half, cut side up, on tomato slice. Fill each pepper half with the mixture, mounding the stuffing. Cover and bake in preheated oven for 15 minutes, or until bell peppers are fork tender. Uncover, top with swiss cheese and bake, uncovered, for 15 minutes more or until cheese is melted.

Enjoy!!!

I just wanted to keep my baby with me!!

I think I need to start blogging about things that are on my mind and I just can't shake. Instead of keeping it so bottled up inside I need some sort of release, yeah know? Or else I am going to explode and it wont be pretty.

My life revolves around woman and lots of them! It's amazing to have the support of woman and get to know them and grow a friendship even, BUT there comes the trying to conceive, pregnancy, birth and newborn situations. I witness this all day every day and to say the least it tends to make my heart get into naughts and I become very envious and very sad of some of the things I had longed for with my own experience, but never had.

My pregnancy was almost amazing despite my weight struggles, eating struggles and trying to except my body change. I know most woman have a hard time with this, but it's even worse when you have suffered and are still suffering from a negative body image plus an eating disorder. I struggled a lot, but besides that pregnancy was enjoyable for the most part and I really didn't have any complications so I am very thankful for that.

I had dreamed of a very peaceful, amazing birth at home with practically no interventions and only having my midwives there if needed and support. Then I had hoped to just enjoy my newborn right after birth and from there on out until he grew old enough to go off to college or move out. ;) I didn't get this. I know I know I know I should of really prepared myself that not everything is going to go as planned, but really I did do that, but I really didn't imagine what was going to unfold, especially after my son was born. My labour was great, I did so well, but the problems and concerns didn't come up until the very end. My son's heart rate was low for about an hour and even with changing position, myself meditating to try to get that oxygen to him better and get his heart rate up it just was not working out. I ended up on my back so I could get him out ASAP(worst position possible I know, but it was hte only way I could do direct pushing and strong long pushes). I couldn't get him out fast enough so my midwife gave me an episitiomy which I did say it was okay to do if I couldn't get him out fast enough. Episiotomy was done, I pushed another big push and his head popped out and then my midwife helped pull him out by under his arms while I pushed again. They layed him on my chest like I wanted, let the cord stop pulsating before letting my husband cut it and then he was free to nurse. Nursing failed. He could latch, but not suck. He was breathing fast so my midwife suggested we transfer him to the hospital to get him examined and see why he was breathing fast. I forgot to mention but my amniotic fluid towards the end was stained just a little. Wasn't when my waters broke first. Anyways, he was at the hospital with my husband and my one midwife. I couldn't get in, I was too weak, my blood preassure was SO low and my later to my discovery(a day after birth) my iron levels were so low as well. I could barely sit up in bed without becoming dizzy. I was so out of it I had to pee a few times beside my bed in a bowl while my midwife and doula held me. How embarrassing is that?! Eventually they had to leave and my Mother came over as requested by me since I couldn't do anything by myself. She wheeled me to the washroom on my computer chair. I went to the washroom twice, but the second time I ended up passing out. Not fun again and thankfully I was alright. She got me back to bed and I ate something, peanut-butter and jam toast to be exact.

I think at this time I was still pretty high off of all the natural hormones that having my son away from me wasn't a huge deal. I was sad, but still basking in the rays of achieving a drug free home birth and sharing the news with everyone. It wasn't until my husband got home that evening when it started to hit me that I didn't have my baby with me and I didn't know when I would see him next. My husband showed me a picture of our son hooked up to the CPAP machine to help him breath and he told me he had a feeding tube, iv's, heart monitor and oxygen level monitor hooked to him. I was sad, devistated and just heartbroken, but I couldn't do anything about it. I wanted my baby, my precious baby.

My husband went to bed, I joined him shortly there after and then woke up 4 hours later to pump(I did it twice after my son was transfered to the hospital). I didn't get very much but enough to accumulate with the other bit of colostrum I had pumped before. I was happy I had that to bring to the hospital with us whenever we got a chance to see him. But while I was pumping I ended up breaking down and having a good cry. I worked SO hard for those last 9 months to create, nuture, and care for this tiny, well not so tiny(he was 9lbs 13oz) and his own  Mother can't even be by his side. I felt like an utter failure and that's when the guilt started to pour through. I was devistated.


Anyways, we managed to get to the hospital early afternoon finally by the time I was able to feel good enough to walk and make it to the car. but OMG the ride to the hospital was SO SO bad. I could barely sit and it wasn't the fact that I had the episiotomy and a natural tear inside my vagina, but I did something to my tailbone and as of today I am pretty sure I fractured it and it healed bent. I had x-rays done a few months after and it showed it was bent so much to the left. So we arrived and Dustin wheeled me up the the NICU to see him. It was amazing! Seeing my little boy and holding him for the second time was priceless. It didn't seem natural with him with the feeding tube in and all the monitors still stuck on him while I sat in a VERY uncomfortable wheel chair and held the syringe with my colostrum in it,  so it would go down his tube so he could eat.

After seeing him again I went and pumped and repeated the same scenerio again and again. I went home that night feeling so empty and raw with emotion. It sucks so much leaving the hospital without your baby. I repeated this day in a day out for a week. Dagney had a few scares(stopped breathing, hole in his heart) and we had some miss treatment from the NICU nurses that was not pleasant.  It kind of reminded me why I was not a fan of the hospital environment at all.

So that week was torture, but we finally brought him home and it was crazy! The next 4 months would be a downward spiral of health issues with Dagney, struggling SO SO much with postpartum depression, anxiety, guilt, fear and no one really there to support myself and my husband while we went through so much with our first child. I felt utterly and completely alone, minus having my son and my husband around.

But, I guess the main point of this blog entry is that I get very envious of those that get to keep their baby with them from right after birth and not have such a huge seperation where you can't see them. I struggle with this. It messed up so much with my bond and attachement with my son it's not even funny. I didn't start feeling like he was my own child until he was about 12 months. How sad is that? I just long for that time I missed out on and I know I never will have it ever again with my son and it eats me up inside. I have to let it go though or what kind of life is that. I am not going to forget about it, no way, but I do need to except that's how things went and I had no control over it.

Which brings me to the next topic. I am terrified for my next child's birth. Not the actually labour and pushing a baby out, but afraid I wont be able to keep my child with me like last time. I don't know if I can handle another baby being taken from me and my my roll being stomped on again. I know I will eventually have another child, there is no doubt about that, but I will be terrified and anxious until that day arrives.

I think I am going to keep it at that for now. :) Felt great getting that out in the open.

What's going on?

  I always want to update my blog more and think about it, but I never actually do it. Maybe I am lazy or maybe I just don't have enough time? Either way I really should update it more.
  I've been on Zoloft for approx. 3 weeks now and so far so good. The first week and a half was rough and I will admit I was scared a lot about being back on anti-depressants. I don't really have anymore side effects other then feeling like a zombie walking through life ever so often. I purposely make myself think about EVERYTHING in life so I can still enjoy the small things like nature while I am out for a walk with Dagney or my issues I am having and trying to deal with. I don't feel so miserable, sad, depressed, anxious, loss of interest in things and a bunch of other stuff. All in all they're working out good so far, but I will admit I am looking forward to when I can wean off of them and be back to being natural. One step at a time, right?
  I start counseling just over a week ago, finally. It was about time. The place I go has a few interns there trying to get experience so my counselor is an intern. I am not 100% satisfied with this only reason because she doesn't have much experience with people and situations to really help, but I am keeping my mind open for the possibility that she can help me. I do want her to have experience and if I can teach her a few things, especially around postpartum depression and birth trauma so she can put that to use if anyone else comes to her with something similar then I will be glad.
  Both sessions I have gone to we have just talked about my family history, what led me to come there for help, etc. It was a lot to talk about for two hours, but everything is out in the open. I can't hide things, because I feel if I were to hide anything then it may hold me back from really healing from what is going on. She gave me some home work to work on over the next week until I see her again next Friday. Feels weird to have home work. But I think it will help. I have to write down on a piece of paper if I have a thought or feeling pertaining to my birth or any other triggering past experience. Write down the emotion, what I was doing just before that feeling/thought came about and how I handled it. So far I have had two things happen. Haven't written them down, but I will.
  I am glad to be getting things on the roll and hopefully get towards a happier or at least a more excepting and content life.


 I started the photography class I signed up for last month. It's alright, but really boring. I thought I would enjoy it more, but I don't know if my mind is just on other things right now or I just can't find the attention span to listen and pay attention, which has been something I have struggled with since I was in school. I could never just sit there and listen. I need to actually be doing things. I can teach myself or work hands on learning, but sitting there listening to a teacher talk for 2.5 hours just does not work for me. I must have a different learning style. So need less to say I am bored in the class and I probably could have taught myself better. Owell!

  Dagney is doing good. He is flourishing every day. He has such a great personality and he makes Dustin and I laugh at him all the time. He went through a week of chicken pox last week which wasn't so fun for him or us. He had them bad to the point of having them in the back of his throat, which restricted him from eating or drinking. I felt so horrible for him, because there wasn't really anything we could do for him. Thank goodness Dustin had that week off, but I was bummed, because we had a lot planned for family things. We spent the week together and I guess that's all that matters, right? He is fully over them now so he should have life time immunity to them.
  I've taught him how to say "done" which is super cute. I wanted him to say "done" after he ate so he wouldn't whine and throw his food on the floor, which has helped, but now he says it all the time. So all the way through him either his meal he will sound like this. "mmmm mmmm, done!" "mmm" "done!" as he puts more food in his mouth. Or he will run around our home saying "done, done, done" all the time. He can say "bum" when he wants to, "dad", "mom", "kitty" and that's about it. He does try to say "tickle, tickle" when he goes to tickle something or "cookie, cookie" when he is eating a cookie, which is super cute. He signs "food", "more" and "milk". I am not sure if we are going to teach him more signs or just try to get his speech going more.
  He gives kisses and hugs, which the other day the cutest thing ever happened. I was sitting on our living room floor reading a piece of paper and Dagney came, stood in front of me, took both his hands, put them on my cheeks and leaned in to give me one of those open mouthed kid kisses. It was the most amazing, sweetest, cutest thing EVER! My heart seriously melted to a puddle. I love that he is so affectionate.

Ahhh I just love him!

Anyways, I think that's all I am going to write for now. Have any questions? Feel free to ask and I will post them in another blog soon.

Life...

Life is all about the journey.
It's about finding out who you are,
and what you believe.

It's about listening to your own voice,
and trusting your own heart.

It's about following your own path,
and chasing your own dreams.

Don't worry, be happy.

I made the ultimate decision the other day, one that I am not proud of nor am I excited about. You might be wondering what this decision is?
 Well I decided I am going to try anti-depressants again after being off of them for 6 years now. I swore I would never go back on them and I would use the natural route. Well the natural route wasn't enough this time. Most that know me, know I have been battling Post Partum Deppression and bouts of PTSD as well from my experience of my birth, Dagney's NICU stay and all of his health problems & tests he endured for the first 4 months of his life. It was a rocky road and while going through it I will be honest I felt SO alone. The only person that could relate and I felt most not a lone with was my husband, Dustin. I know I had my lovely support system through Youtube and facebook, but it just wasn't enough. No one was there during the day while I was alone for 12 hour days with Dagney trying to deal with it all and taking him to all of his appointments. Well I had my MIL come once and Dustin come once, but all the other ones I did on my own. I wished I had someone to hold my hand or give me a hug and tell me it would be alright, but I didn't. I know I really shouldn't be thinking about ALL of that, especially since it is over with and in the past, but for myself who does take things hard it takes me a while to grieve and except what has happened. One day I will let it go and it wont haunt me anymore.
  Now I have a beautiful, caring, up beat, bright, funny, adorable, happy little guy I call my own and we all know who that is! Dagney! I should really learn from my son and not worry so much on how I may mess his life up, if I am doing the right thing or something needs to be perfect for him, but to watch him grow, grow with him and learn. I think children can teach us a feel things about life, we just have to let them or really observe them and how they go through life.
  Anyways, back to my decision. I guess I should explain why I never wanted to go back on them ever again, shouldn't I? When I was on anti-depressents as a teenager they made me feel like a zombie or very not in tune with things going on around me, I felt tired all the time and numb or oblivious to my problems and they also made me more suicidal then I was. So you can see why I am hesitant at taking them again. For myself I just didn't want to feel the  constant heartache or loss of interest I had been feeling for some time now and I was tired of missing out on Dagney's life feeling this way so that's why I made the decision to go back on them. I know I wont be on them for ever and I hope to wean myself off of them by the end of next year when we hope to try for another child, but that's a whole other story in it's self. I obviously need to be better myself before we can make that big leap too.
  So day two of taking them and I will admit I am not a fan right now. The side affects are what make me hate theses things. I feel fatigued or the zombie like feeling I mentioned earlier, nausea, weird dreams, anxiety, loss of appetite(caused by anxiety?), loss of control, dazed, and numb to feelings- which is the last thing I need right? I am going to give the medication about 6-8 weeks to work it's magic and if I still have all of these side affects I am going to wean myself off them with Doctor's guidance of course. Try something else maybe or maybe more of a herbal treatment.
  The loss of control, dazed and numb to feelings or thoughts part is what drives me bonkers the most about taking anti-depressents. I, myself am the type of person who does not like feeling drugged up, or the feelings you get from being buzzed from a drink of alcohol, high from weed or the feelings you get from taking Oxycontin for pain relief. I NEED to feel in control of myself or else I get anxiety, which is why I had a drug free birth. Then the dazed feeling I don't like either. I was telling Dustin last night that when Dagney and I go out we walk mostly every where and while I walk I pay attention to the birds, grass, trees, plants animals and just society in general and really enjoy it and watch it change through season, it's something I enjoy doing as well as I think in my mind about things I want do to in the future, daily life and things I am struggling at the time. But yesterday I was so dazed I cought myself not even paying attention to any of that and staring off into space, not even thinking about anything. This scared me. The few things I NEED to enjoy life these pills are making me oblivious to them. Not a fan at all. And what about feeling numb to emotions or thoughts, not a good thing either in my personal opinion for myself. Not that I wont to think about all the negative, not so pleasant things that have happened in the past or are currently happening in my personal life I still think it's a good idea to think about them. I was to think about them so I can go through the emotions of grieving, moving on and excepting and how am I suppose to do that when these pills are making me in a sense forget about them? Who knows really! But like I said I am going to see what happens with the pills and if they aren't for me then that's alright and I will stop taking them. I have to give them a chance first to at least say I tried them, right?

Anyways, I think I have written enough for now and it's time for lunch. Dagney is napping and I can relax and eat in peace.

Top 5 Way to Improve Your Physical and Mental self

I am sure it's not rocket science that all 5 of these things listed below will help us mentally and physically, but I think some times we do forget that these things are truly important for keeping us sane.

1) Turn off your TV or computer and read

2) Meditate, reflect or pray(if you are religious) each day.

3) Drink lots of pure water and eat a balance meal with a lot of vegatables and fruits.

4) Visit friends and family often

5) Get 7-8 hours of sleep each night.

Autumn or fall which ever!

  Lets talk about the up coming season that is upon us, shall we? But let me first say that I can not believe just how fast summer went by. Sadly Canada doesn't have enough warm weather and I think we have more cold weather than we do warm. So one day when Dustin and I retire we plan to have a place in Florida to go to to escape the cold winters we have here.
 Anyways, what is so nice about the Fall? Nature that is! All the trees change to lovely colours and I just love to see it all. The leaves then fall to the ground, for hours and hours of time spent playing in raked up piles for kids. They also make for a good picture prop with little ones or even family pictures. You sometimes witness those bat, ghost, which or pumpkin bags that you sometimes see sitting on peoples front lawns for Halloween and those lovely leaves are used to stuff them. How about all the gords or pumpkins that are ready to be picked and carved or used as food. What great memories can be made from taking your child to go pick their own pumpkin to carve for Halloween And try to find your way out of a corn maze. This is one thing I am really looking forward to this year. We did it with Dagney last year, but he was still so young that he slept most of the time and Dustin and I just picked out our own pumpkin. We did carve it with him, but this year is going to be even better.
 Lets not forget about all the yummy food around this time. Pumpkin pies, apples pies, yummy warm drinks that get sold at Cafe's or for the modern person, Starbucks. Thanksgiving dinner with Turkey, stuffing, and all your normal veggies on the side. This year I plan on making a Dagney friendly feast. Poor guy has to be careful of what he can and can't have with his allergies, but I will make it so he can enjoy it just as much as anyone else does. And lets face it Thanksgiving is my all time favourite holiday of the year. You get to prepare and eat a yummy meal, think about what you are thankful for and just enjoy each others company without having that burden or feeling like you are obligated to spend money or contribute to consumerism. It's the one holiday I think that you don't need to spend vey much money and you don't have to buy people things they probably don't need or get things you probably don't need. I feel so stress free through out the Thanksgiving holiday compared to one I use to celebrate, Christmas. It's so nice.
 How about the weather too? It's not freezing out like the winter months and it's not so hot and humid like our summer months. It's cool enough you need to wear pants, a sweater and maybe a jacket, but not so hot that you feel like walking around naked. You are comfortable. It does rain more, but thats the magic nature and weather have together. They are preparing the grass, trees and plants to feed enough before the ground freezes. I guess it's some sort of survival method, but it's neat.
 What about Halloween? I use to LOVE figuring out what I was going to be and dress up as. I always tried to figure out something that wasn't going to be popular and went with that. One year I was Bunnicula, which is a character from a childhood book of mine. In other words it s bunny vampire/dracula who sucks the juice out of veggies. I actually thought about dressing Dagney up as that this year. Dagney will be able to go around to the houses and grab up some candy and chocolate. He wont be able to enjoy the normal goodies everyone else gets when "trick or treating", because again his allergies, but I plan on making some things he can enjoy too. Should be a fun fall, Halloween & Thanksgiving!

Here is a video from last years Halloween.