Avalon's c-section story

It's been just over two weeks since my little girl was born and I think I may be finally able to write up something for her "birth". Now the reason I put birth in quotations is because I personally right now don't feel as *I* birthed her. Keep in mind these are my feelings and anyone who has had a child a similar way may not feel the same or should feel the same. And maybe one day I will feel differently, but we will see.

Back story for those that don't know. When I was about 28 weeks pregnant with her my one midwife started to check for baby's position and she mentioned to me baby was breech. I did freak out a little, because I know how breech baby's end up, especially where I live. You know the dreaded surgical birth that most woman rather not have, or at least I didn't. So I started to do some reading on how to encourage baby to flip. Found a lot of stuff and ended up doing as much as I could possibly do.
There was so many different aversions, that didn't cost anything than other suggestions that did like chiropractic treatments like the Webster technique, and a bunch if other things. I new chiro was probably the best one for us since I new how it could help me and I was having some really bad pelvic pain from SPD so I gave that a try. 3 Webster techniques we did and I just couldn't afford any more sadly or else I would have;was saddened by this of course). I did as much walking as I could no matter how sore and exhausted I was, hands and knees, meditating, talking to baby(I keep referring to Avalon as baby since we didn't know the sex), ice on the top if my tummy, some other aversions that actually made me sore.
Need less to say I tried and by about 36 weeks I decided after some very strong mom instincts and feelings I was getting from baby that the flipping into the head down position just wasn't going to happen so I didn't want to keep obsessing, worrying over it when I new in my heart it would be effort that was going to result in nothing. So I stopped and tried to enjoy the end if the pregnancy, which was hard since I ended up battling a month of a really bad chest infection and trying to pack for moving.
I had excepted that baby wasn't going to flip and tried my hardest to except that there was most likely going to be a c-section in my future for the both if us. I cried a lot and still do.
I felt like there was no other options for our situation and I was in a sense being forced into having one. I couldn't actually have a vaginally birth to a baby with care providers that didn't know what they were doing and had no training, those were risks I couldn't take.
Anyways, we scheduled the c-section for her estimated due date, but still tried to hold onto hope that she would flip of course.
On December 5th in the morning I started to have consistent contractions that would come every 10-15 minutes. Something I was familiar with and figured it would go away by the afternoon like they always did. They didn't so I was in very early labour, which made me happy because baby would get the good hormones to help prepare the lungs for breathing when welcomed Earthside, but it reminded me how strong I was and how able I was to ride through natural drug free labour, but I couldn't this time. So on the 5th in the evening we took Dagney to my good friend's home so she could take care of him while we had the scheduled c-section. That was something that broke my heart too, my first time leaving my first born for longer than a few hours and over night no less. He did awesome though!! So that night I didn't sleep as we can imagine why. My husband and I woke up at 5am and left for the hospital to get there and sign in for 6:30am.
It was so chilly that morning and we had frost on the car. Brrrr! We got to the hospital, signed in and headed to the Birthing Unit to sign in there too. They put us into a semi private room, I got changed into the lovely hospital gowns and I got hooked up to the non stress test machine. Heart rate was good, showing I was contracting every 8-10 minutes again I new this. ;) But she was sleepy and comfy in me and wasn't moving so I had to lay on my left side and of course she started to move great and we passed the NST with flying colours. But while I was hooked up to the NST machine a nurse was setting up my IV and fluids(I needed one bag before surgery) and I will say getting the IV was way worse than contractions. It hurt bad! And funny thing is a few different nurses mentioned how bad the IV job was. Made me feel better, not!
After all of this my husband called our doula and updated her and we decided to tell her she didn't have to attend since she was suffering from a really bad chest infection. I was very disappointed about this, but it was the best for everyone.
Than shortly there after the OB that was going to be doing the c-section came into the room with a portable ultrasound to check if she was still breech. I really should of declined the ultrasound because I new she hasn't flipped, but of course it confirmed she still was breech. Not a surprise at all!
She left and shortly after that my one midwife came in to check on me and let us know she was here too. I did tell her I had been contracting(by this time they were about every 6 minutes) and she was happy to hear, because I had wanted that. She left and it was just myself and my husband again. We chatted a bit and I checked/updated Facebook a bit to keep my mind occupied.
At the time I was just focusing in finding out finally what our baby was. I new deep down ever since I had a positive pregnancy test that baby was a girl. Mama knows best! Two pregnancies I was able to predict correctly the sex of my children.
Soon one of the nurses who would be in the operating room came in to introduce herself which was nice. She left and I went to the bathroom for the last time while being pregnant to discover part of my mucus plug had started to come out. Another thing I wasn't surprised with. Just have to love the process of child birth. Hehe
When I came out our c-section nurse came back to make sure I was ready to go and my husband was suited up in his scrub gear. Gotta love how attractive those outfits are! Ha!
We walked down the birthing unit hall and I mentioned I forgot to take off my socks(a pair of miss matched socks, one blue the other pink) and she said that was fine. That made me happy.
We got to the operating room, I went in and my husband sat out in the hall waiting. I felt so bad for him, because I could imagine he was very nervous too.
I sat on the operating bed with one of those heated blankets around me which was lovely. A bunch of nurses started to prep the surgical tools and I sat and watched. Some had small talk with me, but the rest of the time I just nervously moved my feet around and focused on each contraction.
Finally the anesthesiologist came into the room and I want to mention that he was the most up beat and positive person in the room and it helped some what take my mind off of a lot if things. More small talk occurred, he asked about my past birth and was sort if surprised it was my first time having a spinal (I guess most woman have them now a days) and than he moved into getting the spinal in. This part I was beyond scared of. It sort of hurt, but not horrible like the IV. I had to get into position very fast, because it started working instantly.
At this point everyone started to really get things ready. The drape went up, more things were put on me and I could feel them touching me which I didn't think I could feel but I did and that apparently is normal, but I was really freaked out.
I'm the type of person that doesn't like anything that makes me feel like I have lost control over myself and this situation sure made made me feel this way! I even made the statement "this is why I don't like drugs or why I had a drug free birth". Everyone must if rolled their eyes at me haha.
My husband came in and was seated next to me and his presence made me feel more calm.
The OB all nurses and my lovely midwife were all there. They announced just as they started the surgery that it was a "surprise" baby and Dad wanted to announce the sex.
My husband and I chatted for a bit and minutes later they told my husband to look up to see what the sex was! My husband announced "it's a girl, sweetheart!". And my initial reaction was "I new it, I told you!". She was brought over to the warming table wear they were assessing her. At that time I was crying, why I am not sure, but I think I was just so overwhelmed and anxious to make sure her lungs cleared good and she didn't need to be in the nicu(Dagney was there for a week).
I kept watching her and everyone checking her, still years coming out and waiting to hear if she was fine. My midwife took over and told me her lungs drained great and it was such a relief! She was weighed-another curiosity of mine and weighed in at 8lbs 15 oz and 20.5" long. She was a "big" baby compared to the norm, but not big for me considering Dagney was 9lbs 13oz at birth.
They all respected our requests for her and they didn't administer the eye ointment and did give her the routine vitamin k shot like we requested. She was then wrapped up in blankets with a knitted pink and purple tiny hat and placed in her Fathers arms.
I was in disbelief, but also as soon as I saw her and her mouth rooting like crazy my guilt came over me. I wanted her to so badly give her what she wanted, that being latched onto my breast to feed. I new I would soon be able to, but not soon enough for my liking. I wanted to do it instantly like nature intended, but I needed to be patient.
My husband and I just talked to her and to each other. I kept trying to reassuring her that her Mom wanted so badly to give her what she wanted, but we had to wait just a little and she could be in my arms forever.
They were finished with stitching me up and asked my husband to make his way over to the recovery room with the nurse and I would soon be in there with him. He still had Avalon thank goodness!
Everyone in the operating room helped move me to another bed and I was wheeled down to recovery.
As soon as I got into recovery, my husband asked if I wanted to lbreastfeed. Of course I said yes!

Vegan Waffle Recipe

In our household it is VERY rare we have pancakes and waffles FOR breakfast, instead we enjoy eating them for dinner. I know backwards, right? But our fancy meals are usually dinners and my "easy" nights, because I rarely have anything I can make that is easy especially since I cook from scratch is breakfast meals. Anyways, here is the recipe!

2 cups of flour
4 tsp of baking powder
1 tsp of cinnamon OR sugar (we use sugar because Dagney can't have cinnamon)
1/2 tsp of salt
2 cups of rice beverage
1 cup of unsweetened apple sauce
2 tbsp olive oil

Mix dry ingredients in one bowl
 Mix wet ingredients in a seperate bowl
Combine ALL ingredients.

Preheat your waffle iron and scoop just the right amount in your iron. Cook long enough until golden brown.

If you are using a non stick waffle iron they still MAY stick so use a fork to lightly unstick them. If you aren't using a non stick waffle iron spray some oil onto the grill and it should help keeping it from sticking.

Top with whatever you desire! Enjoy. :)

Vegan black been burgers

Dagney loved these!

Ingradients:

1/2 onion finely chopped
1 can black beans
1/2 cup of brown rice flour
Bread crumbs
1 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp salt.

Directions:

Mash black beans together. Add onions, brown rice flour, garlic powder(add as much as you like) and salt. Combine all ingredients together with hands and add as much bread crumbs to make a patty stick together.

Cook in a frying pan on medium in some extra virgin olive oil. You will want each side of the patty to be golden brown.

Here is a picture of Dagney enjoying them. We also made home made buns too, because Dagney can not eat store bought.

Recipe time!!! Quinoa Stuffed Peppers

I made this a few weeks back when I was visiting with my Grandparents in Florida. My Grandfather didn't really like it very much at all, but my Grandmother, myself, my husband enjoyed them.

Keep in mind you don't have to add meat if you are vegetarian and you don't have to add cheese if you are vegan.

Stuffing Ingredients:

8oz of extra-lean ground turkey or chicken.
1/2 small onion chopped
1/2 red bell pepper chopped
1 cup slice mushrooms
1 tbsp chopped rosemary
1 tbsp chopped fresh thyme
1 tomato chopped
1 small zucchini chopped
1 cup cooked quinoa
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp freshly ground black pepper

Other Ingredients:

1 large orange bell pepper
1 large yellow pepper
1 tomato sliced into four thick slices
1/4 cup dry white wine
1 cup shredded swiss cheese

Directions:

Cut orange and yellow peppers in half lengthwise and remove core and seeds

Trim a thin slice off the bottom of each to allow to lie flat

In the casserole dish, microwave peppers, covered, on high for 3 minutes, or until tender-crisp. Let cool to room temperature, covered. Drain and pat dry.

Prepare the stuffing.
In a large skillet, over medium heat, brown meat until no pink remains.

Add onion, red pepper, mushrooms, rosemary and thyme; cook stirring, until onions are translucent, about 3 minutes.

Add chopped tomato and zucchini and cook, stirring, for 5 minutes.

Stir in quinoa, salt, pepper.

In the casserole dish, arrange tomato slices and add wine. Set each pepper half, cut side up, on tomato slice. Fill each pepper half with the mixture, mounding the stuffing. Cover and bake in preheated oven for 15 minutes, or until bell peppers are fork tender. Uncover, top with swiss cheese and bake, uncovered, for 15 minutes more or until cheese is melted.

Enjoy!!!

I just wanted to keep my baby with me!!

I think I need to start blogging about things that are on my mind and I just can't shake. Instead of keeping it so bottled up inside I need some sort of release, yeah know? Or else I am going to explode and it wont be pretty.

My life revolves around woman and lots of them! It's amazing to have the support of woman and get to know them and grow a friendship even, BUT there comes the trying to conceive, pregnancy, birth and newborn situations. I witness this all day every day and to say the least it tends to make my heart get into naughts and I become very envious and very sad of some of the things I had longed for with my own experience, but never had.

My pregnancy was almost amazing despite my weight struggles, eating struggles and trying to except my body change. I know most woman have a hard time with this, but it's even worse when you have suffered and are still suffering from a negative body image plus an eating disorder. I struggled a lot, but besides that pregnancy was enjoyable for the most part and I really didn't have any complications so I am very thankful for that.

I had dreamed of a very peaceful, amazing birth at home with practically no interventions and only having my midwives there if needed and support. Then I had hoped to just enjoy my newborn right after birth and from there on out until he grew old enough to go off to college or move out. ;) I didn't get this. I know I know I know I should of really prepared myself that not everything is going to go as planned, but really I did do that, but I really didn't imagine what was going to unfold, especially after my son was born. My labour was great, I did so well, but the problems and concerns didn't come up until the very end. My son's heart rate was low for about an hour and even with changing position, myself meditating to try to get that oxygen to him better and get his heart rate up it just was not working out. I ended up on my back so I could get him out ASAP(worst position possible I know, but it was hte only way I could do direct pushing and strong long pushes). I couldn't get him out fast enough so my midwife gave me an episitiomy which I did say it was okay to do if I couldn't get him out fast enough. Episiotomy was done, I pushed another big push and his head popped out and then my midwife helped pull him out by under his arms while I pushed again. They layed him on my chest like I wanted, let the cord stop pulsating before letting my husband cut it and then he was free to nurse. Nursing failed. He could latch, but not suck. He was breathing fast so my midwife suggested we transfer him to the hospital to get him examined and see why he was breathing fast. I forgot to mention but my amniotic fluid towards the end was stained just a little. Wasn't when my waters broke first. Anyways, he was at the hospital with my husband and my one midwife. I couldn't get in, I was too weak, my blood preassure was SO low and my later to my discovery(a day after birth) my iron levels were so low as well. I could barely sit up in bed without becoming dizzy. I was so out of it I had to pee a few times beside my bed in a bowl while my midwife and doula held me. How embarrassing is that?! Eventually they had to leave and my Mother came over as requested by me since I couldn't do anything by myself. She wheeled me to the washroom on my computer chair. I went to the washroom twice, but the second time I ended up passing out. Not fun again and thankfully I was alright. She got me back to bed and I ate something, peanut-butter and jam toast to be exact.

I think at this time I was still pretty high off of all the natural hormones that having my son away from me wasn't a huge deal. I was sad, but still basking in the rays of achieving a drug free home birth and sharing the news with everyone. It wasn't until my husband got home that evening when it started to hit me that I didn't have my baby with me and I didn't know when I would see him next. My husband showed me a picture of our son hooked up to the CPAP machine to help him breath and he told me he had a feeding tube, iv's, heart monitor and oxygen level monitor hooked to him. I was sad, devistated and just heartbroken, but I couldn't do anything about it. I wanted my baby, my precious baby.

My husband went to bed, I joined him shortly there after and then woke up 4 hours later to pump(I did it twice after my son was transfered to the hospital). I didn't get very much but enough to accumulate with the other bit of colostrum I had pumped before. I was happy I had that to bring to the hospital with us whenever we got a chance to see him. But while I was pumping I ended up breaking down and having a good cry. I worked SO hard for those last 9 months to create, nuture, and care for this tiny, well not so tiny(he was 9lbs 13oz) and his own  Mother can't even be by his side. I felt like an utter failure and that's when the guilt started to pour through. I was devistated.


Anyways, we managed to get to the hospital early afternoon finally by the time I was able to feel good enough to walk and make it to the car. but OMG the ride to the hospital was SO SO bad. I could barely sit and it wasn't the fact that I had the episiotomy and a natural tear inside my vagina, but I did something to my tailbone and as of today I am pretty sure I fractured it and it healed bent. I had x-rays done a few months after and it showed it was bent so much to the left. So we arrived and Dustin wheeled me up the the NICU to see him. It was amazing! Seeing my little boy and holding him for the second time was priceless. It didn't seem natural with him with the feeding tube in and all the monitors still stuck on him while I sat in a VERY uncomfortable wheel chair and held the syringe with my colostrum in it,  so it would go down his tube so he could eat.

After seeing him again I went and pumped and repeated the same scenerio again and again. I went home that night feeling so empty and raw with emotion. It sucks so much leaving the hospital without your baby. I repeated this day in a day out for a week. Dagney had a few scares(stopped breathing, hole in his heart) and we had some miss treatment from the NICU nurses that was not pleasant.  It kind of reminded me why I was not a fan of the hospital environment at all.

So that week was torture, but we finally brought him home and it was crazy! The next 4 months would be a downward spiral of health issues with Dagney, struggling SO SO much with postpartum depression, anxiety, guilt, fear and no one really there to support myself and my husband while we went through so much with our first child. I felt utterly and completely alone, minus having my son and my husband around.

But, I guess the main point of this blog entry is that I get very envious of those that get to keep their baby with them from right after birth and not have such a huge seperation where you can't see them. I struggle with this. It messed up so much with my bond and attachement with my son it's not even funny. I didn't start feeling like he was my own child until he was about 12 months. How sad is that? I just long for that time I missed out on and I know I never will have it ever again with my son and it eats me up inside. I have to let it go though or what kind of life is that. I am not going to forget about it, no way, but I do need to except that's how things went and I had no control over it.

Which brings me to the next topic. I am terrified for my next child's birth. Not the actually labour and pushing a baby out, but afraid I wont be able to keep my child with me like last time. I don't know if I can handle another baby being taken from me and my my roll being stomped on again. I know I will eventually have another child, there is no doubt about that, but I will be terrified and anxious until that day arrives.

I think I am going to keep it at that for now. :) Felt great getting that out in the open.

What's going on?

  I always want to update my blog more and think about it, but I never actually do it. Maybe I am lazy or maybe I just don't have enough time? Either way I really should update it more.
  I've been on Zoloft for approx. 3 weeks now and so far so good. The first week and a half was rough and I will admit I was scared a lot about being back on anti-depressants. I don't really have anymore side effects other then feeling like a zombie walking through life ever so often. I purposely make myself think about EVERYTHING in life so I can still enjoy the small things like nature while I am out for a walk with Dagney or my issues I am having and trying to deal with. I don't feel so miserable, sad, depressed, anxious, loss of interest in things and a bunch of other stuff. All in all they're working out good so far, but I will admit I am looking forward to when I can wean off of them and be back to being natural. One step at a time, right?
  I start counseling just over a week ago, finally. It was about time. The place I go has a few interns there trying to get experience so my counselor is an intern. I am not 100% satisfied with this only reason because she doesn't have much experience with people and situations to really help, but I am keeping my mind open for the possibility that she can help me. I do want her to have experience and if I can teach her a few things, especially around postpartum depression and birth trauma so she can put that to use if anyone else comes to her with something similar then I will be glad.
  Both sessions I have gone to we have just talked about my family history, what led me to come there for help, etc. It was a lot to talk about for two hours, but everything is out in the open. I can't hide things, because I feel if I were to hide anything then it may hold me back from really healing from what is going on. She gave me some home work to work on over the next week until I see her again next Friday. Feels weird to have home work. But I think it will help. I have to write down on a piece of paper if I have a thought or feeling pertaining to my birth or any other triggering past experience. Write down the emotion, what I was doing just before that feeling/thought came about and how I handled it. So far I have had two things happen. Haven't written them down, but I will.
  I am glad to be getting things on the roll and hopefully get towards a happier or at least a more excepting and content life.


 I started the photography class I signed up for last month. It's alright, but really boring. I thought I would enjoy it more, but I don't know if my mind is just on other things right now or I just can't find the attention span to listen and pay attention, which has been something I have struggled with since I was in school. I could never just sit there and listen. I need to actually be doing things. I can teach myself or work hands on learning, but sitting there listening to a teacher talk for 2.5 hours just does not work for me. I must have a different learning style. So need less to say I am bored in the class and I probably could have taught myself better. Owell!

  Dagney is doing good. He is flourishing every day. He has such a great personality and he makes Dustin and I laugh at him all the time. He went through a week of chicken pox last week which wasn't so fun for him or us. He had them bad to the point of having them in the back of his throat, which restricted him from eating or drinking. I felt so horrible for him, because there wasn't really anything we could do for him. Thank goodness Dustin had that week off, but I was bummed, because we had a lot planned for family things. We spent the week together and I guess that's all that matters, right? He is fully over them now so he should have life time immunity to them.
  I've taught him how to say "done" which is super cute. I wanted him to say "done" after he ate so he wouldn't whine and throw his food on the floor, which has helped, but now he says it all the time. So all the way through him either his meal he will sound like this. "mmmm mmmm, done!" "mmm" "done!" as he puts more food in his mouth. Or he will run around our home saying "done, done, done" all the time. He can say "bum" when he wants to, "dad", "mom", "kitty" and that's about it. He does try to say "tickle, tickle" when he goes to tickle something or "cookie, cookie" when he is eating a cookie, which is super cute. He signs "food", "more" and "milk". I am not sure if we are going to teach him more signs or just try to get his speech going more.
  He gives kisses and hugs, which the other day the cutest thing ever happened. I was sitting on our living room floor reading a piece of paper and Dagney came, stood in front of me, took both his hands, put them on my cheeks and leaned in to give me one of those open mouthed kid kisses. It was the most amazing, sweetest, cutest thing EVER! My heart seriously melted to a puddle. I love that he is so affectionate.

Ahhh I just love him!

Anyways, I think that's all I am going to write for now. Have any questions? Feel free to ask and I will post them in another blog soon.

Life...

Life is all about the journey.
It's about finding out who you are,
and what you believe.

It's about listening to your own voice,
and trusting your own heart.

It's about following your own path,
and chasing your own dreams.