Have I failed as a parent?

  Heck NO! Now if you would of asked me awhile ago or even two days after Dagney was born I would of said yeah I had. But now I think other wise. I do however question some things, but I think we all do that. I want and try to be the best parent as I can possibly be and I know I am only human and can make mistakes, but life is about learning from them, moving on and growing from what you have learned.
  I also thought it was all my fault Dagney had to be in the nicu, that it was my fault how we were treated in there, but really if you think about it I couldn't of prevented those health problems with Dagney nor could I have controlled how others treated us. Yes, we were treated much differently because we were coming in from a home birth. I don't think it was fare to say the least and I mean even if it was just myself and Dustin being treated differently I think I would of been fine with that, but the lack of attention my son got and how he was treated I don't think was fare. He didn't do anything wrong. Sadly that nicu experience put a negative feel even more on hospitals in general. I was all for them helping someone or a situation when it was medically needed, but for it to not be given 110% to a newborn that actually medically needed it just boggles my mind.
  Life hasn't been a walk in the park, but as I have gotten older I try to take eveyrthing that happens like a grain of salt. Uusually its easier said than done, but for the most part I have an easier time handling things, well minus all of the things surrounding Dagney, and his birth, but I am working on it.
  After making the decision to pump breast milk and feed it to Dagney with a bottle instead of forcing him to nurse when he physically could not breath and suck at the same time was I think a good decision and I know some could beg to differ, but I was doing what I thought and still thought was the best for him at the time and also myself. I was dealing with my own struggles aswell. I never thought my sexual abuse would ultimatly make it a huge deciding factor whether or not I nursed my son. But to have flash backs, have regrets and make my ppd worse was not a life I wanted to force on myself. I needed to be strong for my son to be able to take care of him and if I had forced myself to nurse and endure all those things I don't think I would have. I did beat myself up and still do a little bit about not nursing Dagney, but really in the end he is still receiving breast milk and thats all that really matters, doesn't it? 
  I really don't think woman should get harped on for feeding their child breast milk from a bottle. Isn't the main thing that the child is still getting breast milk? They still hold the child, bond with the child and cuddle with the child while they feed from a bottle. I don't just leave my son off in another room to hold his own bottle by himself. We are together when he eats ALWAYS! I mean there will be that odd time he will lay in his stroller while we are on the bus and drink his bottle, but its safer that way. I just think it shouldn't matter where the breast milk is coming from, what matters the most is that the child is getting breast milk,  am I not right? Which by the way I use to feel REALLY guilty and horrible for even bottle feeding my son breast milk. The first 9 months of my sons life have been nothing but guilt and horrible feelings, but I am not going to let that happen anymore. I have to give myself credit that I am doing everything in my means for him and always will be. Every choice and decision I make, I make it for him. 

So no I haven't failed as a parent! I may have thought that for a very long time, but really I have come to realize I haven't.

lost?

I have nooo idea anymore. None what so ever. I don't have a clue about where I am going or what I am doing. What will happen next. I wish I could just go on vacation for a while by myself and think about everything.

And I know I don't want to give up on a few things in life, but I sure as hell feel like it. I am too strong to give up and I would be kicking myself in the pants for the rest of my life if I did. But really I think he wants to which doesn't help matters when I hoping things will get better.

You know I have never been so hurt in my whole entire life, well I guess besides a few things, but for the most part this goes hand in hand with the others. Urgh! When can I get a break. When can things start looking up? I am just so tired of it all. I feel so alone too, like I have no one. The one person who is actually around doesn't even care and just messed things up, but can't understand. I have no idea what to do at all. I am so confused, seriously!

I'm hurt.

Whats wrong with Dagney?

  Starting just after Dagney turned 8 months old his sleep paterns started changing for the better. No more getting up every 1-2 hours which was soo amazing! I thought finally he had his sleeping figured out and things were going to start to look up. Keep in mind Dagney had been getting up every 1-2 hours since he was born. Actually I think he slept a tiny bit better for the first two weeks of his life and then eveyrthing went down hill from there. Anyways, so I thought things were looking up. He was sleeping from about 7:30is at night until about 4 or 5 for a feeding and then up at 6am. I didn't mind I had an early bird on my hands as long as I was able to get 4-5 hours of sleep and NOT broken up. I was happy, well rested, felt GREAT and I thought for once my ppd was starting to come under control. Well he then started to teeth, which after both teeth broke through over 3 days went back to sleep normaly thank goodness, but he then started learning new milestones. I thought it my head, "great! here we go again with the no sleep, because his brain wont let him sleep", but the weekend he leanred how to crawl fully, go from crawling to sitting and then pulling himself up on things and walking around them his sleep didn't really get disrupted until a week after he learned eveyrthing new. He was SO restless! I couldn't get him to sleep at bedtime, he would wake every two hours again and then he would get up at 1 or 2am for food and not want to go back to sleep for a good hour and a half which was totally odd for him. I thought maybe it was the milestone, well here we are going into the third week. He has started to sleep a tiny bit better, last night was the first. But he has started with his night terrors or nightmares, not sure which it is.
  Those things are scary! Not just for him but for me too. I don't think I have ran to his bedroom that fast in a while! He screams bloody murder like he has seen a ghost, and someone is killing him or hurting him badly. He isn't awake when I go in, well maybe half but not really? I usually pick him up and have to sooth him back to sleep, which takes awhile again.
  Than he has been having frequent bowel movements too. In the upwards of 7 times a day, which is not normal for him either. Uusually he will have one in the morning and MAYBE one in the afternoon. Its like florecent green/yellow slime it looks like. I know, sorry too much info!! But I don't think its right. And a bad diaper rash. Whenever I keep looking up on the internet what it could be all I come up with is a virus or teething. But could teething last THIS long? Usually when he is teething his cheeks get really rosy and he has really bad nights for about 3 days when the tooth breaks through and then thats it. Nothings before the mater and nothing after. So I really don't think its teething. But what could it be? He seems fine other then the sleep paterns being all over the place and having a hard time getting him to sleep since he is so restless.
  I am so confused. I might take him to teh doctors just to mention it and see what they say. I think if it was only the sleep paterns being all ove rthe place I would just chalk it up to being the milestones, but because of the bowel movemtns being totally off and his bum rash he has had for two weeks is still there I am having a hard time figuring out what it may be.
  I swear I feel like 5 months ago when he was pooing blood, projectile vomiting and crying all the time again and we had no idea what was wrong with him. :( I hope he is okay though.

I give up!

I seriously give up. I just want to run away and never come back. Everyone keeps telling me it gets easier, but when the heck does it get easier? I find I keep feeling even more lonely then I was before. Having no one around to talk to, hang out with is really getting to me. They say being social with a friend gives you the same feeling you would get if you won a million dollars. Maybe I am cheesy for saying this, but I want that. My life consists of me, Dagney and Dustin. I don't have friends here, none! I go out with Dagney during the week and on weekends its with Dustin. So really getting my lisence would only make getting to doctors appointments more convenient. What is wrong with me? Seriously! I have been asking this question every since I was a young kid. First my dad doesn't even care to have me in his life and then my mother was barely around because she was always working. I had my Grandmother, but even now I don't. I don't really have any of my family around, which is sad.

I am just so darn tired of this feeling. I am tired of it all. No one understands either.

I have joined a moms group and that is more so for Dagney to get the socialization since he needs it, but I never feel like I fit in those groups. They are all so different then me. They can go out and do stuff, talk about taking trips, clothes they buy etc and I just sit there with nothing to contribute to because I simply am boring and have no life other then Dagney.

And then lets talking about PPD. Oh isn't it grand. The lack of sleep is really making it kick in full force again. I havve a short temper, my patience has worn thin and I find myself getting really frustrated with Dagney and then snapping and then I feel like such a failure of a parent.

I just want to run away and never come back.

Photography class

Since I was really little I had LOVED taking pictures and still do. I still have all but two of my 7 cameras I have used in my entire life still which is kind of cool to look back at and just see how far cameras have come. I mean we are now in the digital world with my newest camera being a Canon DSLR, which is such an amazing camera. Anyways, I have been wanting to take a class on photography, specifically for the DSLR world just to get some more tips and tricks to help me out. I don't really want to make this into a big career thing, its just more of a passion or a hobbie I guess you could say. Well since I bought our Canon last March I had wanted to take the class, but they offered it starting this past October which was a no fly zone for me since I just had Dagney and couldn't leave him just yet, especially since he had all of his health problems. So now I am just waiting for the York Region general interest class book to come out so I can take a look and see if it is offered at the school near me, whcih I am crossing my fingers it is and if it isn't I am going to be totally bummed. This is something I really am interested in doing, especially since becoming a Mother most of your indentity flies right out the window and you are "just a Mom", how fun, NOT! Don't get me wrong its amazing being a Mother, but I still need something for ME and taking pictures is that ME thing.
  I am looking forward to taking Dagney out again and taking some pictures of the spring time nature. I think taking pictures of nature is my all time favourite thing to take pictures of. It just gives me a sense of peace I guess you could say.
  I think if there is no class offered close by I may just grab a book and do some reading. I probably could find some YT videos I am sure, which that never dawned on me before for some odd reason. And maybe if they don't offer it I will just take something else, like pottery or ceramics or maybe even sewing. Something crafty.

Exploring the park!

  Dustin and his buddies decided today was a nice enough day to go out to the park and throw around the baseball. I use to join them and throw the baseball around and catch it with my glove, but not anymore! I have a little boy to take care of, which is wonderful. To be honest I don't even miss that tiny thing I once did. Okay maybe I am lying, I do miss it, but once I see Dagney it escapes my mind.

  So we decided to walk to the park instead of driving. The park is so close, just up the street so why bother. Plus the weather was so nice and warm. A little breezey, but nothing we couldn't handle walking in. The fresh air for all of us was needed since we have been cooped up inside because of being sick and it raining for a week(btw, it is suppose to rain all of this week too. BOO!). We got to the park and just walked around while I had Dagney in the Ergo. He had fallen asleep and I know as soon as I either stop moving or sit down he usually wakes up so we decided to walk up and down the path way while we waited for the guys to get there. They did finally and by that time Dagney had woken from his short nap on me. I took him on the swings which for it being his third time, he actually really liked it. Then we decided to explore the two slides. One was like a ripple with a few pumps and the other one was one of those twisty slides. We went down them multiple times and he just had the biggest grin on his face every time. It was priceless and I am so glad he liked it just as much as I had. You know when I was pregnant I would imagine one day taking him to the park and having fun, I couldn't wait to do it and now we are! After that we sat on the grass and just hung out for a little while. He explored the grass, touched it, pulled pieces out and found a leaf. It was so interesting watching him try to figure it out. He is amazing! I always wonder what he is thinking and it would be such a neat thing if we could actually know what they are thinking when dicovering and exploring something new.

  It was such a great Sunday afternoon! I had a blast at the park with my little man. I can't wait to do it more once the weather is nicer.

We need to appreciate nature and the small things more.

I think us humans need to appreciate things in life a little more. We tend to get caught up in what is being aired on tv, our materialist objects, small problems we make into huge mole hills and forget to appreciate small things this earth gives to us. We really do need to stop and smell the flowers more, maybe we would all be a little more content with even the negative in life or some of our problems wouldn't have such an impact on us. I really want to start trying to take a step back whenever anything stressful happens or anything in my life gets in the way of potentially enjoying something. I am the type of person that is not very optimistic, hell I am not really at all. I use to say I expect the worst, but hope for the best in everything, which in most cases it always does end up being the worst, but I can't keep looking for that or else I am never going to enjoy the little things in life.

I have learned a lot since growing up, gone through a lot and I guess I can admit that with those good and bad things that I have experienced and gone through it has made me who I am today. I always said I would LOVE to erase all those shitty things that happened and just forget about them, but I think if I did I would lose a part of me and who I have become so now I take back what I have always said and I am actually kinda glad that all that has happened. Even since becoming pregnant with my daughter things have changed hugely and even how I look at things now.

Anyways, I have no idea where this is going, but I just think we all need to appreciate teh small things in life, especially what nature has to offer. Nature is such a beautiful thing in life and it gets skipped over and I think maybe for myself to be able to deal with worry and stress less is to take time out of my life and enjoy it! I want to teach my daughter this too when she comes, while she is growing up. Have a love for nature and not get all tyed up in materialistic things like everyone else does.

I want a simple life, and nothing but the simplest things. I don't need stuff to be happy.

****This was written while I was pregnant when I thought Dagney was a girl! I still think this though!!****