What's going on?

  I always want to update my blog more and think about it, but I never actually do it. Maybe I am lazy or maybe I just don't have enough time? Either way I really should update it more.
  I've been on Zoloft for approx. 3 weeks now and so far so good. The first week and a half was rough and I will admit I was scared a lot about being back on anti-depressants. I don't really have anymore side effects other then feeling like a zombie walking through life ever so often. I purposely make myself think about EVERYTHING in life so I can still enjoy the small things like nature while I am out for a walk with Dagney or my issues I am having and trying to deal with. I don't feel so miserable, sad, depressed, anxious, loss of interest in things and a bunch of other stuff. All in all they're working out good so far, but I will admit I am looking forward to when I can wean off of them and be back to being natural. One step at a time, right?
  I start counseling just over a week ago, finally. It was about time. The place I go has a few interns there trying to get experience so my counselor is an intern. I am not 100% satisfied with this only reason because she doesn't have much experience with people and situations to really help, but I am keeping my mind open for the possibility that she can help me. I do want her to have experience and if I can teach her a few things, especially around postpartum depression and birth trauma so she can put that to use if anyone else comes to her with something similar then I will be glad.
  Both sessions I have gone to we have just talked about my family history, what led me to come there for help, etc. It was a lot to talk about for two hours, but everything is out in the open. I can't hide things, because I feel if I were to hide anything then it may hold me back from really healing from what is going on. She gave me some home work to work on over the next week until I see her again next Friday. Feels weird to have home work. But I think it will help. I have to write down on a piece of paper if I have a thought or feeling pertaining to my birth or any other triggering past experience. Write down the emotion, what I was doing just before that feeling/thought came about and how I handled it. So far I have had two things happen. Haven't written them down, but I will.
  I am glad to be getting things on the roll and hopefully get towards a happier or at least a more excepting and content life.


 I started the photography class I signed up for last month. It's alright, but really boring. I thought I would enjoy it more, but I don't know if my mind is just on other things right now or I just can't find the attention span to listen and pay attention, which has been something I have struggled with since I was in school. I could never just sit there and listen. I need to actually be doing things. I can teach myself or work hands on learning, but sitting there listening to a teacher talk for 2.5 hours just does not work for me. I must have a different learning style. So need less to say I am bored in the class and I probably could have taught myself better. Owell!

  Dagney is doing good. He is flourishing every day. He has such a great personality and he makes Dustin and I laugh at him all the time. He went through a week of chicken pox last week which wasn't so fun for him or us. He had them bad to the point of having them in the back of his throat, which restricted him from eating or drinking. I felt so horrible for him, because there wasn't really anything we could do for him. Thank goodness Dustin had that week off, but I was bummed, because we had a lot planned for family things. We spent the week together and I guess that's all that matters, right? He is fully over them now so he should have life time immunity to them.
  I've taught him how to say "done" which is super cute. I wanted him to say "done" after he ate so he wouldn't whine and throw his food on the floor, which has helped, but now he says it all the time. So all the way through him either his meal he will sound like this. "mmmm mmmm, done!" "mmm" "done!" as he puts more food in his mouth. Or he will run around our home saying "done, done, done" all the time. He can say "bum" when he wants to, "dad", "mom", "kitty" and that's about it. He does try to say "tickle, tickle" when he goes to tickle something or "cookie, cookie" when he is eating a cookie, which is super cute. He signs "food", "more" and "milk". I am not sure if we are going to teach him more signs or just try to get his speech going more.
  He gives kisses and hugs, which the other day the cutest thing ever happened. I was sitting on our living room floor reading a piece of paper and Dagney came, stood in front of me, took both his hands, put them on my cheeks and leaned in to give me one of those open mouthed kid kisses. It was the most amazing, sweetest, cutest thing EVER! My heart seriously melted to a puddle. I love that he is so affectionate.

Ahhh I just love him!

Anyways, I think that's all I am going to write for now. Have any questions? Feel free to ask and I will post them in another blog soon.

Life...

Life is all about the journey.
It's about finding out who you are,
and what you believe.

It's about listening to your own voice,
and trusting your own heart.

It's about following your own path,
and chasing your own dreams.

Don't worry, be happy.

I made the ultimate decision the other day, one that I am not proud of nor am I excited about. You might be wondering what this decision is?
 Well I decided I am going to try anti-depressants again after being off of them for 6 years now. I swore I would never go back on them and I would use the natural route. Well the natural route wasn't enough this time. Most that know me, know I have been battling Post Partum Deppression and bouts of PTSD as well from my experience of my birth, Dagney's NICU stay and all of his health problems & tests he endured for the first 4 months of his life. It was a rocky road and while going through it I will be honest I felt SO alone. The only person that could relate and I felt most not a lone with was my husband, Dustin. I know I had my lovely support system through Youtube and facebook, but it just wasn't enough. No one was there during the day while I was alone for 12 hour days with Dagney trying to deal with it all and taking him to all of his appointments. Well I had my MIL come once and Dustin come once, but all the other ones I did on my own. I wished I had someone to hold my hand or give me a hug and tell me it would be alright, but I didn't. I know I really shouldn't be thinking about ALL of that, especially since it is over with and in the past, but for myself who does take things hard it takes me a while to grieve and except what has happened. One day I will let it go and it wont haunt me anymore.
  Now I have a beautiful, caring, up beat, bright, funny, adorable, happy little guy I call my own and we all know who that is! Dagney! I should really learn from my son and not worry so much on how I may mess his life up, if I am doing the right thing or something needs to be perfect for him, but to watch him grow, grow with him and learn. I think children can teach us a feel things about life, we just have to let them or really observe them and how they go through life.
  Anyways, back to my decision. I guess I should explain why I never wanted to go back on them ever again, shouldn't I? When I was on anti-depressents as a teenager they made me feel like a zombie or very not in tune with things going on around me, I felt tired all the time and numb or oblivious to my problems and they also made me more suicidal then I was. So you can see why I am hesitant at taking them again. For myself I just didn't want to feel the  constant heartache or loss of interest I had been feeling for some time now and I was tired of missing out on Dagney's life feeling this way so that's why I made the decision to go back on them. I know I wont be on them for ever and I hope to wean myself off of them by the end of next year when we hope to try for another child, but that's a whole other story in it's self. I obviously need to be better myself before we can make that big leap too.
  So day two of taking them and I will admit I am not a fan right now. The side affects are what make me hate theses things. I feel fatigued or the zombie like feeling I mentioned earlier, nausea, weird dreams, anxiety, loss of appetite(caused by anxiety?), loss of control, dazed, and numb to feelings- which is the last thing I need right? I am going to give the medication about 6-8 weeks to work it's magic and if I still have all of these side affects I am going to wean myself off them with Doctor's guidance of course. Try something else maybe or maybe more of a herbal treatment.
  The loss of control, dazed and numb to feelings or thoughts part is what drives me bonkers the most about taking anti-depressents. I, myself am the type of person who does not like feeling drugged up, or the feelings you get from being buzzed from a drink of alcohol, high from weed or the feelings you get from taking Oxycontin for pain relief. I NEED to feel in control of myself or else I get anxiety, which is why I had a drug free birth. Then the dazed feeling I don't like either. I was telling Dustin last night that when Dagney and I go out we walk mostly every where and while I walk I pay attention to the birds, grass, trees, plants animals and just society in general and really enjoy it and watch it change through season, it's something I enjoy doing as well as I think in my mind about things I want do to in the future, daily life and things I am struggling at the time. But yesterday I was so dazed I cought myself not even paying attention to any of that and staring off into space, not even thinking about anything. This scared me. The few things I NEED to enjoy life these pills are making me oblivious to them. Not a fan at all. And what about feeling numb to emotions or thoughts, not a good thing either in my personal opinion for myself. Not that I wont to think about all the negative, not so pleasant things that have happened in the past or are currently happening in my personal life I still think it's a good idea to think about them. I was to think about them so I can go through the emotions of grieving, moving on and excepting and how am I suppose to do that when these pills are making me in a sense forget about them? Who knows really! But like I said I am going to see what happens with the pills and if they aren't for me then that's alright and I will stop taking them. I have to give them a chance first to at least say I tried them, right?

Anyways, I think I have written enough for now and it's time for lunch. Dagney is napping and I can relax and eat in peace.

Top 5 Way to Improve Your Physical and Mental self

I am sure it's not rocket science that all 5 of these things listed below will help us mentally and physically, but I think some times we do forget that these things are truly important for keeping us sane.

1) Turn off your TV or computer and read

2) Meditate, reflect or pray(if you are religious) each day.

3) Drink lots of pure water and eat a balance meal with a lot of vegatables and fruits.

4) Visit friends and family often

5) Get 7-8 hours of sleep each night.

Autumn or fall which ever!

  Lets talk about the up coming season that is upon us, shall we? But let me first say that I can not believe just how fast summer went by. Sadly Canada doesn't have enough warm weather and I think we have more cold weather than we do warm. So one day when Dustin and I retire we plan to have a place in Florida to go to to escape the cold winters we have here.
 Anyways, what is so nice about the Fall? Nature that is! All the trees change to lovely colours and I just love to see it all. The leaves then fall to the ground, for hours and hours of time spent playing in raked up piles for kids. They also make for a good picture prop with little ones or even family pictures. You sometimes witness those bat, ghost, which or pumpkin bags that you sometimes see sitting on peoples front lawns for Halloween and those lovely leaves are used to stuff them. How about all the gords or pumpkins that are ready to be picked and carved or used as food. What great memories can be made from taking your child to go pick their own pumpkin to carve for Halloween And try to find your way out of a corn maze. This is one thing I am really looking forward to this year. We did it with Dagney last year, but he was still so young that he slept most of the time and Dustin and I just picked out our own pumpkin. We did carve it with him, but this year is going to be even better.
 Lets not forget about all the yummy food around this time. Pumpkin pies, apples pies, yummy warm drinks that get sold at Cafe's or for the modern person, Starbucks. Thanksgiving dinner with Turkey, stuffing, and all your normal veggies on the side. This year I plan on making a Dagney friendly feast. Poor guy has to be careful of what he can and can't have with his allergies, but I will make it so he can enjoy it just as much as anyone else does. And lets face it Thanksgiving is my all time favourite holiday of the year. You get to prepare and eat a yummy meal, think about what you are thankful for and just enjoy each others company without having that burden or feeling like you are obligated to spend money or contribute to consumerism. It's the one holiday I think that you don't need to spend vey much money and you don't have to buy people things they probably don't need or get things you probably don't need. I feel so stress free through out the Thanksgiving holiday compared to one I use to celebrate, Christmas. It's so nice.
 How about the weather too? It's not freezing out like the winter months and it's not so hot and humid like our summer months. It's cool enough you need to wear pants, a sweater and maybe a jacket, but not so hot that you feel like walking around naked. You are comfortable. It does rain more, but thats the magic nature and weather have together. They are preparing the grass, trees and plants to feed enough before the ground freezes. I guess it's some sort of survival method, but it's neat.
 What about Halloween? I use to LOVE figuring out what I was going to be and dress up as. I always tried to figure out something that wasn't going to be popular and went with that. One year I was Bunnicula, which is a character from a childhood book of mine. In other words it s bunny vampire/dracula who sucks the juice out of veggies. I actually thought about dressing Dagney up as that this year. Dagney will be able to go around to the houses and grab up some candy and chocolate. He wont be able to enjoy the normal goodies everyone else gets when "trick or treating", because again his allergies, but I plan on making some things he can enjoy too. Should be a fun fall, Halloween & Thanksgiving!

Here is a video from last years Halloween.

Have I failed as a parent?

  Heck NO! Now if you would of asked me awhile ago or even two days after Dagney was born I would of said yeah I had. But now I think other wise. I do however question some things, but I think we all do that. I want and try to be the best parent as I can possibly be and I know I am only human and can make mistakes, but life is about learning from them, moving on and growing from what you have learned.
  I also thought it was all my fault Dagney had to be in the nicu, that it was my fault how we were treated in there, but really if you think about it I couldn't of prevented those health problems with Dagney nor could I have controlled how others treated us. Yes, we were treated much differently because we were coming in from a home birth. I don't think it was fare to say the least and I mean even if it was just myself and Dustin being treated differently I think I would of been fine with that, but the lack of attention my son got and how he was treated I don't think was fare. He didn't do anything wrong. Sadly that nicu experience put a negative feel even more on hospitals in general. I was all for them helping someone or a situation when it was medically needed, but for it to not be given 110% to a newborn that actually medically needed it just boggles my mind.
  Life hasn't been a walk in the park, but as I have gotten older I try to take eveyrthing that happens like a grain of salt. Uusually its easier said than done, but for the most part I have an easier time handling things, well minus all of the things surrounding Dagney, and his birth, but I am working on it.
  After making the decision to pump breast milk and feed it to Dagney with a bottle instead of forcing him to nurse when he physically could not breath and suck at the same time was I think a good decision and I know some could beg to differ, but I was doing what I thought and still thought was the best for him at the time and also myself. I was dealing with my own struggles aswell. I never thought my sexual abuse would ultimatly make it a huge deciding factor whether or not I nursed my son. But to have flash backs, have regrets and make my ppd worse was not a life I wanted to force on myself. I needed to be strong for my son to be able to take care of him and if I had forced myself to nurse and endure all those things I don't think I would have. I did beat myself up and still do a little bit about not nursing Dagney, but really in the end he is still receiving breast milk and thats all that really matters, doesn't it? 
  I really don't think woman should get harped on for feeding their child breast milk from a bottle. Isn't the main thing that the child is still getting breast milk? They still hold the child, bond with the child and cuddle with the child while they feed from a bottle. I don't just leave my son off in another room to hold his own bottle by himself. We are together when he eats ALWAYS! I mean there will be that odd time he will lay in his stroller while we are on the bus and drink his bottle, but its safer that way. I just think it shouldn't matter where the breast milk is coming from, what matters the most is that the child is getting breast milk,  am I not right? Which by the way I use to feel REALLY guilty and horrible for even bottle feeding my son breast milk. The first 9 months of my sons life have been nothing but guilt and horrible feelings, but I am not going to let that happen anymore. I have to give myself credit that I am doing everything in my means for him and always will be. Every choice and decision I make, I make it for him. 

So no I haven't failed as a parent! I may have thought that for a very long time, but really I have come to realize I haven't.

lost?

I have nooo idea anymore. None what so ever. I don't have a clue about where I am going or what I am doing. What will happen next. I wish I could just go on vacation for a while by myself and think about everything.

And I know I don't want to give up on a few things in life, but I sure as hell feel like it. I am too strong to give up and I would be kicking myself in the pants for the rest of my life if I did. But really I think he wants to which doesn't help matters when I hoping things will get better.

You know I have never been so hurt in my whole entire life, well I guess besides a few things, but for the most part this goes hand in hand with the others. Urgh! When can I get a break. When can things start looking up? I am just so tired of it all. I feel so alone too, like I have no one. The one person who is actually around doesn't even care and just messed things up, but can't understand. I have no idea what to do at all. I am so confused, seriously!

I'm hurt.

Whats wrong with Dagney?

  Starting just after Dagney turned 8 months old his sleep paterns started changing for the better. No more getting up every 1-2 hours which was soo amazing! I thought finally he had his sleeping figured out and things were going to start to look up. Keep in mind Dagney had been getting up every 1-2 hours since he was born. Actually I think he slept a tiny bit better for the first two weeks of his life and then eveyrthing went down hill from there. Anyways, so I thought things were looking up. He was sleeping from about 7:30is at night until about 4 or 5 for a feeding and then up at 6am. I didn't mind I had an early bird on my hands as long as I was able to get 4-5 hours of sleep and NOT broken up. I was happy, well rested, felt GREAT and I thought for once my ppd was starting to come under control. Well he then started to teeth, which after both teeth broke through over 3 days went back to sleep normaly thank goodness, but he then started learning new milestones. I thought it my head, "great! here we go again with the no sleep, because his brain wont let him sleep", but the weekend he leanred how to crawl fully, go from crawling to sitting and then pulling himself up on things and walking around them his sleep didn't really get disrupted until a week after he learned eveyrthing new. He was SO restless! I couldn't get him to sleep at bedtime, he would wake every two hours again and then he would get up at 1 or 2am for food and not want to go back to sleep for a good hour and a half which was totally odd for him. I thought maybe it was the milestone, well here we are going into the third week. He has started to sleep a tiny bit better, last night was the first. But he has started with his night terrors or nightmares, not sure which it is.
  Those things are scary! Not just for him but for me too. I don't think I have ran to his bedroom that fast in a while! He screams bloody murder like he has seen a ghost, and someone is killing him or hurting him badly. He isn't awake when I go in, well maybe half but not really? I usually pick him up and have to sooth him back to sleep, which takes awhile again.
  Than he has been having frequent bowel movements too. In the upwards of 7 times a day, which is not normal for him either. Uusually he will have one in the morning and MAYBE one in the afternoon. Its like florecent green/yellow slime it looks like. I know, sorry too much info!! But I don't think its right. And a bad diaper rash. Whenever I keep looking up on the internet what it could be all I come up with is a virus or teething. But could teething last THIS long? Usually when he is teething his cheeks get really rosy and he has really bad nights for about 3 days when the tooth breaks through and then thats it. Nothings before the mater and nothing after. So I really don't think its teething. But what could it be? He seems fine other then the sleep paterns being all over the place and having a hard time getting him to sleep since he is so restless.
  I am so confused. I might take him to teh doctors just to mention it and see what they say. I think if it was only the sleep paterns being all ove rthe place I would just chalk it up to being the milestones, but because of the bowel movemtns being totally off and his bum rash he has had for two weeks is still there I am having a hard time figuring out what it may be.
  I swear I feel like 5 months ago when he was pooing blood, projectile vomiting and crying all the time again and we had no idea what was wrong with him. :( I hope he is okay though.

I give up!

I seriously give up. I just want to run away and never come back. Everyone keeps telling me it gets easier, but when the heck does it get easier? I find I keep feeling even more lonely then I was before. Having no one around to talk to, hang out with is really getting to me. They say being social with a friend gives you the same feeling you would get if you won a million dollars. Maybe I am cheesy for saying this, but I want that. My life consists of me, Dagney and Dustin. I don't have friends here, none! I go out with Dagney during the week and on weekends its with Dustin. So really getting my lisence would only make getting to doctors appointments more convenient. What is wrong with me? Seriously! I have been asking this question every since I was a young kid. First my dad doesn't even care to have me in his life and then my mother was barely around because she was always working. I had my Grandmother, but even now I don't. I don't really have any of my family around, which is sad.

I am just so darn tired of this feeling. I am tired of it all. No one understands either.

I have joined a moms group and that is more so for Dagney to get the socialization since he needs it, but I never feel like I fit in those groups. They are all so different then me. They can go out and do stuff, talk about taking trips, clothes they buy etc and I just sit there with nothing to contribute to because I simply am boring and have no life other then Dagney.

And then lets talking about PPD. Oh isn't it grand. The lack of sleep is really making it kick in full force again. I havve a short temper, my patience has worn thin and I find myself getting really frustrated with Dagney and then snapping and then I feel like such a failure of a parent.

I just want to run away and never come back.

Photography class

Since I was really little I had LOVED taking pictures and still do. I still have all but two of my 7 cameras I have used in my entire life still which is kind of cool to look back at and just see how far cameras have come. I mean we are now in the digital world with my newest camera being a Canon DSLR, which is such an amazing camera. Anyways, I have been wanting to take a class on photography, specifically for the DSLR world just to get some more tips and tricks to help me out. I don't really want to make this into a big career thing, its just more of a passion or a hobbie I guess you could say. Well since I bought our Canon last March I had wanted to take the class, but they offered it starting this past October which was a no fly zone for me since I just had Dagney and couldn't leave him just yet, especially since he had all of his health problems. So now I am just waiting for the York Region general interest class book to come out so I can take a look and see if it is offered at the school near me, whcih I am crossing my fingers it is and if it isn't I am going to be totally bummed. This is something I really am interested in doing, especially since becoming a Mother most of your indentity flies right out the window and you are "just a Mom", how fun, NOT! Don't get me wrong its amazing being a Mother, but I still need something for ME and taking pictures is that ME thing.
  I am looking forward to taking Dagney out again and taking some pictures of the spring time nature. I think taking pictures of nature is my all time favourite thing to take pictures of. It just gives me a sense of peace I guess you could say.
  I think if there is no class offered close by I may just grab a book and do some reading. I probably could find some YT videos I am sure, which that never dawned on me before for some odd reason. And maybe if they don't offer it I will just take something else, like pottery or ceramics or maybe even sewing. Something crafty.

Exploring the park!

  Dustin and his buddies decided today was a nice enough day to go out to the park and throw around the baseball. I use to join them and throw the baseball around and catch it with my glove, but not anymore! I have a little boy to take care of, which is wonderful. To be honest I don't even miss that tiny thing I once did. Okay maybe I am lying, I do miss it, but once I see Dagney it escapes my mind.

  So we decided to walk to the park instead of driving. The park is so close, just up the street so why bother. Plus the weather was so nice and warm. A little breezey, but nothing we couldn't handle walking in. The fresh air for all of us was needed since we have been cooped up inside because of being sick and it raining for a week(btw, it is suppose to rain all of this week too. BOO!). We got to the park and just walked around while I had Dagney in the Ergo. He had fallen asleep and I know as soon as I either stop moving or sit down he usually wakes up so we decided to walk up and down the path way while we waited for the guys to get there. They did finally and by that time Dagney had woken from his short nap on me. I took him on the swings which for it being his third time, he actually really liked it. Then we decided to explore the two slides. One was like a ripple with a few pumps and the other one was one of those twisty slides. We went down them multiple times and he just had the biggest grin on his face every time. It was priceless and I am so glad he liked it just as much as I had. You know when I was pregnant I would imagine one day taking him to the park and having fun, I couldn't wait to do it and now we are! After that we sat on the grass and just hung out for a little while. He explored the grass, touched it, pulled pieces out and found a leaf. It was so interesting watching him try to figure it out. He is amazing! I always wonder what he is thinking and it would be such a neat thing if we could actually know what they are thinking when dicovering and exploring something new.

  It was such a great Sunday afternoon! I had a blast at the park with my little man. I can't wait to do it more once the weather is nicer.

We need to appreciate nature and the small things more.

I think us humans need to appreciate things in life a little more. We tend to get caught up in what is being aired on tv, our materialist objects, small problems we make into huge mole hills and forget to appreciate small things this earth gives to us. We really do need to stop and smell the flowers more, maybe we would all be a little more content with even the negative in life or some of our problems wouldn't have such an impact on us. I really want to start trying to take a step back whenever anything stressful happens or anything in my life gets in the way of potentially enjoying something. I am the type of person that is not very optimistic, hell I am not really at all. I use to say I expect the worst, but hope for the best in everything, which in most cases it always does end up being the worst, but I can't keep looking for that or else I am never going to enjoy the little things in life.

I have learned a lot since growing up, gone through a lot and I guess I can admit that with those good and bad things that I have experienced and gone through it has made me who I am today. I always said I would LOVE to erase all those shitty things that happened and just forget about them, but I think if I did I would lose a part of me and who I have become so now I take back what I have always said and I am actually kinda glad that all that has happened. Even since becoming pregnant with my daughter things have changed hugely and even how I look at things now.

Anyways, I have no idea where this is going, but I just think we all need to appreciate teh small things in life, especially what nature has to offer. Nature is such a beautiful thing in life and it gets skipped over and I think maybe for myself to be able to deal with worry and stress less is to take time out of my life and enjoy it! I want to teach my daughter this too when she comes, while she is growing up. Have a love for nature and not get all tyed up in materialistic things like everyone else does.

I want a simple life, and nothing but the simplest things. I don't need stuff to be happy.

****This was written while I was pregnant when I thought Dagney was a girl! I still think this though!!****

What are the plans for this weekend you may ask?

Its Easter weekend for everyone else around us, but us. Yes, Dustin does get Good Friday off from work, but we do not celebrate Easter at all. We always get asked why not and I always respond first off by saying we are not religious(we are Atheists) for one so the religious aspect of the holiday doesn't mean anything to us and the whole Easter Bunny just doesn't feel right to us as a family or personally to celebrate and partake in. We do not feel comfortable with doing it etc. And this is the same with Christmas as well. We have in the past gotten a lot of negative reactions when we did decide to not celebrate it and I think when we explained to them that it wasn't something that we wanted to do and it had no meaning to us at all they took it as we were saying there was something wrong with them celebrating it, which was totally not what we were saying at all. Its for us and only us. Who ever wants to celebrate it can, as long as they are happy to and enjoy it!

  Anyways, so we aren't doing any major Easter celebrations or anything in regards to that. Tomorrow we will probably just take it easy and hang out around our place as a family. Do some cleaning and playing with Dagney since Dustin works a lot and doesn't get a chance during the week to spend time with Dagney this is a great oppertunity.
  Saturday I plan to go to a local baby botuque store here in town to try their Sunshine Kids Radian XT carseat in our car to see how it fits and if all goes well then we will be ordering Dagney's big boy car seat. *tear* I can't believe we will be moving him out of his infant bucket seat soon and into a bigger one. Its crazy! But I LOVE the seat and can't wait to see and try it out. I am pretty sure that is the one we are going to be going with. It has a taller and thinner shell then most car seats which is awesome especially if we have another child and need to fit another car seat in the car too. His won't take up so much room. And it can be rear facing for up to 45lbs, which we plan to keep Dagney rear facing as long as possible. So the higher weight limit the better. And then I am not sure what else on Saturday? Probably going to buy some more Earth Balance(butter replacer) from Nature's Emporium which is a natural health food grocery store in the town just north of us. That place is amazing!
  Sunday we have nothing planned so it will just be a wing it day. Maybe go for a hike if the weather is nice.

So that is what is in store for our weekend!

How to make new friends...

This is something I have been thinking about for a while now, even before I got pregnant with Dagney. I lack in the friend department big time! I have those 4 really close friends that I talk to a lot, but those close friends all live either a 2 hour drive away or in another province so our communication is restricted to sending e-mails or talking on Skype.

  I am a loser to say the least! Seriously I really am. I don't do anything with anyone at all really and it stinks. So I am trying to figure out how to make friends that actually are interested in the same stuff as me, maybe not everything, but some what. You need that connection or personality trait that is close to yours so you can hit it off. I feel like I am talking about finding a husband to marry(Found him already thank goodness! lol). But seriously I have a hard time making friends or finding them at this age. No one views things the same as I do, cares about things like I do. All I seem to find is woman or men so consumed by STUFF and THINGS and spending money. I don't have money nor do I want to get my nails done, hair done, spend all my waking life at the mall buying clothes or other items I don't need.
  I guess it just goes to show you that the few friends I do have should be cherished! They all mean the world to me, especially a specific one. <3

Trying to be the best mom I can possibly be.

While growing up I didn't have much of a luxury to have a stay at home mom, or a mom who was able to take us places, or even have time to sit down and play with us or interact with us. I had a single mom who needed to work all the time and never had enough money to take us anywhere. This really made me sad. I wished I had that growing up, especially with witnessing my friends and all the kids around me having their parents a big part of their lives.
 I had always said to myself that whenever I were to have my own children that I would make it different and they would get what I didn't have. So for the past month or so or really even since I became pregnant with Dagney I have been making my choices in the best interest of him. Well in the last month I keep worrying my head off if I am saying "I love you" enough, interacting with him enough and just all around being there and having him notice I am there. I know, what a stupid thing to worry over, but seriously for some reason it is eating me up inside. I don't ever want him to feel or through what I had growing up so I am trying so hard, maybe too hard to not let that happen and in tern I make myself go crazy! Who worries about this stuff? Is it normal?

  I guess plane and simple I worried I am going to screw up and not do a very good job at raising Dagney. I know there are going to be bumps in the road where I make choices that I think are good at that time that might not be in the long run, but I just don't want him to have what I have or becoming how my mother was/is and not be able to be there for him as much as I think I should be.

  Again, I set these expectations for myself that are maybe unrealistic and then I panic and judge myself to no end. Why do I do this to myself?

Spring has sprung!

  Spring weather is finally here! Thank goodness too. I wasn't too sure how much longer I could deal with the snow and cold. It's different when you have a child in the winter vs. when I didn't have one. I was able to cope much better with it then I am now. We both get cabin fever a lot. Thats why I think if we were to move to Calgary and were close to Francesca and girls I wouldn't mind the winter so much. We would be too busy hanging out and doing things with the kids. We may even get sick of each other, actually I highly doubt that. When we were pregnant last year we use to talk every single day for hours on end. Now not so much, but that is a given since we have kids and don't have that time anymore.
  So the weather is nicer and does my mood ever feel better. I don't feel so confined and restricted. We can now go out for long walks, go to the park or the store. Anything really and not have to worry about being cold. Even just having the windows open in our place is so refreshing. It is amazing how some warmer weather and a little more sleep can help with my PPD.
 Which brings me to that topic. My ppd, not so good. I mean its I feel better in a sense compared to when he was first born, but now I feel different. Its a different feeling. I still debate so much about going on medication. I just don't want it to be passed to Dagney, thats all. I already don't like taking them myself and then if he were to get traces of in him, that would make me feel too uncomfortable. So I guess for now I am just going to go with the natural way. Make sure I get some sleep which is still hard, eat right, get out and be social. It should help for the most part. And I am sure summer will make it even more better with all that lovely sunshine I love.
  So since we have been having such nice weather I took Dagney swimming on Tuesday. We walked all the way there which is about a 30-40 minute walk which was so nice. I got my exercise and we both enjoyed the nice warm weather finally. I will admit I was afraid of a freak out with the pool. Dagney can be sensitive to some things and I thought this might be one of them. BUT he loved it. Wasn't too sure at first, but warmed up the idea of all the water or a big bath tub and really enjoyed it! I think it helped others were there around him so he could be social. He is a social butterfly as long as they aren't holding him and I am in arms reach. It was funny because every time a girl or a woman would walk by he would totally look at them and do the whole head and body follow when they walked by, not just his eyes so he is a typical boy. haha I think I might take him again next week, I will just have to see what we have planned.
  Dagney also had his first park trip yesterday too! I wanted to put him in the swings and see what he would do. He didn't seem too thrilled or excited at all. Just sat there while I pushed the swing. I was able to get him to giggle a few times and smile a bit. I think he might of been just tired, because as soon as we left he fell asleep in his stroller. Silly guy.
  I haven't really thought of anything else I could do with him that is free other then the park or going for walks. Once it gets even more nicer, the grass turns green and its not soo wet from everything melthing I can let him play in the grass and have a picnic maybe. Should be fun! I am really looking forward to this summer. So many things to do with him. I now have an excuse to do all the kids things and not look awkward.

What ever happened to my clean place?

Before having Dagney and well really before being pregnant I use to like cleaning and having a nice tidied, organized, clean living place and I did of course while I was pregnant too, but morning sickness in the first trimester put that on a hault and then as I got bigger and bigger it was harder for me to do things. It actually started to make me feel depressed and still does. Of course with having a child you lack certain things in certain departments and cleaning is one of them.
  I don't have time to clean and I hate it!! Dagney is very needy and HATES when I leave his side. Yes, he is going through the usual seperation anxiety they go through around 5-6 months. I just hope he gets out of it in the next few months or else I am going to have a hard time doing anything at all. It's probably bad, but he goes pee with me, does pretty much everything with me just so he doesn't cry and whine. I know it's probably bad giving into him, but I can't stand him crying nor do I want to neglect him when he wants me. He is only little for once and he needs me even if he is with me all the time. Now maybe if I wasn't pumping all the time I would have some more time to clean to who really knows? Maybe it is just me but I find it does take away from my time with him too. We do sit on the ground together and interact while I have the pump going just so I am not totally not available to him. I do feel guilty though.
  Anyways, I can not wait to be able to clean properly again. Even if it doesn't stay clean for long at least I was able to get my cleaning out of my system for that day. lol
  One day I will be able to clean again.

How I find motherhood so far.

  For the past couple of days or even weeks for that matter I have been wanting to blog more but I either don't have enough time, am so exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open to watch a simple show with my husband, Dustin or I am just too lazy. Actually I think it's probably a combination of all three.
  There is actually quite a lot of different topics I want to blog about, but I seem to feel so overwhelemed by all the topics that I don't even know where to begin or I just don't even want to bother. I think that is where the laziness comes into play. Well I guess the only way I can get anything out is starting from one topic to the next, right?
  How about we start with motherhood and what I did and did not expect, which I think there is a lot more of what I did not expect then there was what I did. How sad is that?
  Way before Dagney was even conceived I was holding back on jumping the gun and trying to conceive, because well lets face it I had major baby and pregnancy fever. I new the things I wanted from a home birth, cloth diapering, breastfeeding and being under the care of midwives, but the couple things that were holding us back were how big how living arragnments were, our income, my knee surgeries and saving money to be able to afford the baby items we needed to purchase. 2009 rolled around and we decided to get married and as we got married trying to conceive started. We were having problems in that department(Great! NOT!) with myself not being able to ovulate but with the help of some herbs(Vitex) it jump started my body into producing the neccesary hormones to make me ovulate and sustain a pregnancy. We conceive November 2009, with a estimated due date in August of 2010! How awesome was that? We hoped for a summer baby and even more better our or well my favourite month of the year.
  So going through pregnancy was a new thing for me, obviously since I hadn't been pregnant before and was I ever in for a big surprise. Not only did I constantly have people giving me tons of advice I also had a few friends and a family member drop out of my life. I think mostly my doing. No I did not scare them away, well I kind of did with one friend, but I removed them I guess you could say. Oh and lets not forget the constant comments to me about getting an epidural! People made me feel so dumb that I obviously had no idea that there was pain involved with childbirth. Geez, if every woman walked around on this planet thinking they wouldn't go through that much pain while giving birth to a baby we probably would have two times the amount of people earth, but we don't. I new there was going to be pain, a lot of it for a matter of fact. I obviously didn't know how much because like I said before this was my first child so I had no idea what to expect, but I new I was going to be having loads of pain. Anyways, I wanted to have a home birth and I did, but I wanted to do it drug free and all natural. Thats how I like living life. Doing things natural and the way mother earth intended things to be. I wanted the best start for my child and I didn't want to put those things through him(Go figure he would then need antibiotics and formula while in the nicu). So I new there was going to be pain, but I had no idea how much. By the end of my pregnancy I was becoming more and more anxious and scared at the fact that I might not be able to handle birth and the pain, want to transfer to the hospital so I could get some sort of drug to help. Well I guess I not only proved everyone that was badgering me to get the epidural but myself too. I was able to manage just fine and birthed my 9lb 13 oz baby boy! Yes, he was a chunker! hahaha
  So jumping right into motherhood. I new life would change, but (excuse my language) HOLY SHIT did they ever change and I was so not expecting it. I can honestly say I was selfish before having a child and I think most people are. We all take for granted how much time and energy we have on our hands. I now do eveyrthing for my son. Eating, going to the washroom, showering, watching tv, talking on the phone, chores, being social, etc ALL come last. I found I need to juggle and prioritize better which is a big learning thing for me. I use to be able to do it, but your skills are put to the test. Most of the time I barely get one chore done in a day which is sad, but I think that mostly has to do with having a very needy son and I pump breast milk anywhere from 5-8 times a day, which by the way I am looking forward to the day when I can no longer pump. Don't get me wrong I love the idea that he is getting breast milk and less formula and all the good stuff that comes a long with it, but it also is very time consuming.
  And lets not forget the amount of sleep you don't get. I new in the very beginning when you have a newborn you are up a lot with them to feed, change and comfort them and then once they start to get older they start to sleep a little better. Now if you have a child like how Dagney is who fights sleep, is a huge cat napper and wakes up A LOT through out the night them sleep is non existant in your life. No joke! Dagney goes to be anywhere from 7-8pm and will wake anywhere from 2-6 time by the time his next feeding around 11pm-12am rolls around. You feed him, sometime he will go back to sleep right away OR he will fuss, have a hard time falling back to sleep and you are stuck with a cranky tired child trying to help him get back to sleep which can take up to an hour sometimes. then get up once before the next feeding which is 3 hours after the last and repeat until around 5am when the fussing and restlessness start until he wakes fully at 7am. Yes, I get LOTS of sleep, NOT! It is VERY exhausting to say the least. Seriously lack of sleep puts my ability to be a mom, a wife and a living human being to the test. If it's not bad enough I am struggling with my postpartum depression I have to deal with lack of sleep too. I get very snappy, bitchy, rude, emotional, cry a lot, no motivation, defeated, frustrated and no patience when I am not getting sleep. I cry every day think about running away or jumping off our balcony which by the way I know is not good, but what can you do. I honestly say sometimes I have no idea why I decided to have a child. I don't even want to think or say that, but when you only get 4-5 hours of broken sleep a night and are seriously exhausted every single day you start to think some crazy stuff.
 Lets also not forget your relationship with your significant other too. Sleep comes into play with your relationship too. If you aren't getting enough sleep you turn into how I have and your relationship gets stressed or worn thin. It's not done purposely or anything but it for sure tests the limits on both partners. I know I sometimes wonder when will my husband, Dustin run away from me? I feel so horrible for him with how I am sometimes. He is such a great guy and I love him to death for being so patient with me.
  What about no social life, you can't just get up and do whatever with who ever. You have to find a babysitter and plan to go out. And its even worse if there is no one really you can go out with either.

  I just miss my sleep and lack of freedom the most. Or being able to sit on the couch in the afternoon and watch some shows or a movie. Have a nap if I wanted to. Join the gym and go, go out with Dustin and enjoy some time to ourselves. I for sure took the time to ourselves part for granted. I wished I had cherished and appreciated it a little more. Also I have found the more I go through the motherhood journey I think more and more about the lack of things I had growing up and wonder how come I never was able to have them and thats a struggle for me I guess. BUT I am now able to create some of those things I wasn't able to have for Dagney's life. There are so many things I want to do that I never got to do as a child. But I never in my wildest dream would have thought that would all pop up and give me some struggles. Nor did I think my sexual abuse would either. It didn't help with my breastfeeding experience nor has it helped with my own fears and worries with it and it possibly happening with Dagney. I am having a hard time trusting people with him alone other then Dustin. Lets just say motherhood is a whole life long worry and it never stops! haha
  So all I have been talking about is pretty much some of the negatives I guess you could say of motherhood so far, lets get to a few positive. I probably could write and write about all the positive, but I am getting tired and I don't want to write a novel.
  The love you have for such a small person is amazing! It;s breathtaking and words seriously can not express how much love you have for your child. I never in a million years would have thought this is how I was going to love my child, nor did I think it was at all possible either. I new I would love him and I loved him while he was inside me punching and having the hiccups, but once he was born and I have been nurturing him, loving, him etc. it is such a different love like no other. It;s not even the same love you would have for your significant other, pet or even a family member. I wish every woman or man could experience this kind of love.
  Also another thing, being proud of your child. I also never thought I would be so proud and happy about the little things they do. Even something simple as Dagney being interested in one of the couch pillows and banging on it makes me proud andhappy for him. I smile just watching him do anything really. His expressions he makes, his new milestones he achieves just everything he does makes me smile and get that butterfly feeling inside of me. I love him to the moon and back. He is my everything. I thrive for him and every decision, choice I make in my life it revolves around him. I want to be the best mother he has ever had and only has. I can not wait to watch him grow up into a young boy, teenager and then a man. See him succeed at things, learn from his mistakes, fall in love, see him enjoy new experiences and so on. Motherhood is such a wonderful journey I can not wait to go through the rest of it with him and any other children Dustin and I might end up having. Even though there are all those losses or negatives about becoming a mother, I wouldn't want any of my "old" life back.
I wish every woman and man could experience being a parent. Which will bring me to another topic of myself wanting to become a surrogate after we finish having children.

Sleep, what is that?!

I thought getting such little sleep when Dagney was a newborn was bad, well him being 6 months and barely sleeping ever is even worse! I feel like a zombie most days and I am surprised I am actually still alive. Ever since 3 months old when he started on his new Neocate formula his sleeping schedule changed, he added in another feeding which is apparently normal when babies who have had GI tract problems and pain before are now able to eat without being in pain do. So I thought okay, in about a months time he will be out of it, yeah well I was wrong, very very very wrong. 4 months rolled around and he started the waking inbetween sleep cycles and then 5 months rolled around and he was waking even more, then now 6 months and he is waking himself even more with his added lets roll over in my sleep, get stuck and call for help from Mom to come rescue me. I just want to get the record straight I am not complaining about getting up to feed him 3 times a night, those are easy, its all the wake ups from when we put him down  till 7am in the morning that are bugging the heck out of me and I barely get 2 hours of sleep in a row together.
  When all these wake ups happen and I am overly tired, like zombie tired I start to become a major bitch and I snap so easily at Dustin. Dustin isn't doing anything wrong, but I some how manage to find something to bitch at him about and I am seriously afraid one of these days he is going to through his hands up in the air and leave me, because I will be too much to handle, which I wouldn't blame him to say the least, I barely can stand myself when I am like this.
  So I am currently reading the No Cry Sleep Solution and I am hoping that it will give us some tips on how to get him to sleep a little better. I am not asking for a full 8 hours of sleep, but I really like at least 3-4 hours of sleep in a row so I can get at least some REM cycles in there. We will see. I was reading that napping or lack there of can contribute to the amount of wakening he has through out the night, which I highly agree. Dagney will nap anywhere from 20-40 minutes twice a day. He has totally taken out his third nap now and only has two. I don't mind, because its less work for me to get him to sleep. But she talks about sitting with them while they sleep and when they switch sleep cycles to get them back to sleep however they like to be soothed. So today for his morning nap I let him sleep for 20 minutes while I pumped then I went in there and sat beside him and sure enough when he switched cycles he woke up and I shoved his soother back in his mouth. It worked the 3 times he woke up and sure enough instead of a 40 minute nap he had about an hours length of one. I haven't read ALL the way through the chapter yet, but I know you are suppose to do this for a week and they will start to be able to switch through their sleep cycles on their own and fall back to sleep on there own. So once he starts to get more sleep during the day hopefully it will help at night time.
  A friend of mine, Francesca had mentioned to me that her eldest daughter didn't start sleeping through the night(baby sleeping through the night which is 5-6 hours) until 10 months so there is still hope to get some sleep, but I have to some how survive until he is 10 months. Oh goodness! 4 more months to go I guess.
  Anyways, it is a start to something hopefully good. We both need and deserve sleep.

Dagney's heart.

Dustin and I took Dagney to his pediatric cardiologist appointment yesterday, which wasn't that nerve wrecking as much as I thought it might be. She did an ultrasound on his heart which went pretty smooth considering towards the end of it Dagney was getting really fussy and squirmed around a lot, but I fed him and it kept him still to get some more pictures. She said his heart looks PERFECT! That hole that they discovered at 3 days old has closed nicely so we don't need to be concerned anymore. What a relief! We did mention to her the heart defect that Dustin's Father had and died from in his early 50's and she said IF anything shows up in Dustin(the heart defect shows up when you are older and is hereditary) to bring Dagney back in to see her and she will refer us to the cardiologist team at Sick Kid's Hospital down in Toronto. He will be monitored if that is the case. But other than that nothing needs to be done and just hope all is well from here on out with his heart. This is such great news and I am soo beyond happy that his hole has closed and his heart is perfect. With all the health problems he has had since day one of being born everything is starting to go the right way and fall into place. As a mother this makes any bad day into a whole bunch of happy ones.
 

Here we come camping!

Our camping site at Algonquin Park has been booked as of yesterday and I am SO excited! You probably are wondering why on earth would you book 6 months in advance for your camping trip for those that don't know Algonquin Park has different lakes that you can camp around and  they are VERY popular with a lot of people which makes getting camps sites really hard so we book ahead of time to make sure we have one. I mean we go on hiking trails there and they have these books at the beginning of each trail where you can sign the date, your name and where you are from and I always see people as far away as Spain, Ukraine, China and even Australia there camping over the summer! So its a popular place to go to. We love it! Dustin has been camping there with his brothers, sister and father since he was really young and now we do. I didn't have the luxory while growing up to go camping, but I always used this old red tent my mom had stored in the basement to go "camping" with it on our front lawn over the summer. That was my way of getting the experience without having to go anywhere. It worked and I loved it when I was little. When I met Dustin I think the first year of us dating we went camping together twice and have gone every year ever since. I guess you can say its a tradition of ours now and we plan to pass it on to our son and any future children we have. I just hope they enjoy and love it just as much as we do.
So I am really looking forward to this year, because it will be Dagney's first camping trip ever, well if you want to get technical its his second, because I went camping when I was 34.5 weeks pregnant with him. But first one he can actually interact with us and do things. Maybe not completely do things because he will only be 11 months, but at least we can tell him when he was older that he has been camping since he was a baby.

Anyways, so that is one major thing for our family that we are looking forward to sharing with our son. We don't have religious celebrations like other families, because well we are atheists and don't believe in God(s) or Jesus and all that stuff around it. So we make our own traditions/celebrations to enjoy and camping is one of them. :)

Cloth diapering!

  I guess my very first blog entry will be about how we like cloth diapering as a family. Now before I even got pregnant I new I wanted to go the route of cloth diapering, because it would not only save us money in the long run but also save on the environment which is important to me and for my child(ren)'s future. I new the benefits, made a budget and saved up enough money to buy our first stash/essentials. I even made a vlog on my youtube channel talking about why we chose to go with cloth diapers compared to disposables and all the benefits to come a long with cloth.

  I remember while I was pregnant I had quite a few people tell me that its probably not a good idea, that it will take up too much time and its a pain in the ass to follow through with and last but not least cleaning off the poo every time they had a bowel movement wouldn't be too pleasant and would make you want to run the other way. I will admit it did make me question our decision we had made, but it also made me more determined to do it and stick to it.
  Our cloth diapering plan was to start off with using disosables to begin with, because I have heard the meconium poo is hard to get out and also I didn't want to have to worry about washing cloth diapers the first two weeks of having a newborn especially with eveyrthing being so new and myself trying to heal from birth. I am glad I made that plan, because Dagney was in the nicu the first week of his life and I had a bad episiotomy and tail bone pain, which I think I broke during child birth I would like to add. We had bought 9 diapers, different brands and wanted to try those out first and see which we liked best than we would buy the rest of our stash. We figured we liked the bum genius 3.0's but at that time had changed into the 4.0's. So we bought more bum genius and 2 happy heiny's. Keep in mind all of these are pockets and one size fits all. We bought about 22 to add to our other 9 which was making 31, obviously. haha But the reason we went with more is because at the time Dagney was peeing SO much that we wanted enough so we could do the laundry that day and still have some in his stash to last him while we were washing them and letting them line dry. Glad we did. However now that he doesn't go through that many diapers we can get away with washing every two days which is nice I will admit.
  Washing and using are so easy! I mean they are a tiny bit more work then disposables, but not by vary much at all. We bought one of those diaper sprayers that hooks up to your toilet and can spray off the poo right into the toilet and that had helped tons! We use the Arm & Hammer liquid soap that's free of everything and our diapers come out smelling fresh and no stinkies at all. We were using the Rockin' Green detergent but I found it didn't work at all and was just leaving our diapers smelling after each wash, even with me letting them soak and putting them through an extra rinse so we switched and thank goodness we did. I mean I am sure the Rockin' Green works wonders for others but for us it just didn't rock our cloth diapers! lol Plus Arm&Hammer is so much cheaper too which is a bonus.
Anyways, We have had to use disposables here and there  because of bum rashes that have required medical creams for, but other than that we use cloth most of the time. I just recently bought some awesome Kawaii diapers that have some awesome prints to them and my favourite a tiger print one which I have been waiting a month to be restoked and I got it! Wooo! Dagney is going to have the cutest bum ever this summer.
So with the new order of Kawaii's and our other diapers we will have a grand total of 40! Yes, I know so many, but thats okay. We can re-use them with our following child and maybe our third if we decide to have more then two children so I think it was money well spent.
  So all in all cltoh diapering hasn't been such a pain at all! Not by the least. So anyone that might be interested in going the cloth diapering route I would really recomend it. :)

We love cloth diapering!