I am stupid.

Ever since I was a child I told myself this.

"I am stupid."

I know, how sad is that? I was always two to three years behind my peers. I always needed help with learning and even in my evaluations  as a child, it states very poor congnitive memory.

I remember the time I really realized how behind I was and it sucked. My school and special education teacher tried so hard to help me, but what I didnt realize was they were trying to get my Mother on board too and be a very active role in helping me succeed and get to where I needed to be. This didnt happen.  Why, I am not sure and I frankly do not want to know. I do also remember the struggles in school and at home. I remember crying out of frustration at myself. What an awful feeling it was to feel stupid and still is.

I can't read and retain the information at all. I know it some what has to do with a lot of factors. Stress, sleep, topics and the text its written in. I can read tons of information or small and it still just will not stick in my brain. I can spend hours and hours trying to study or remember something so simple for some, but for me it gets lost inside my brain. I jist do not remember.

I give up often, I will call myself stupid out loud and realizing now even in front of my own children and my husband.

This isn't healthy. I can't bring myself down like that in front of my children. They see how I treat myself and will think that is an acceptable way to treat themselves. I do not wan't that.

But it can be so very defeating, depressing and plane lonely when everyone else around you succeeding at something and some are succeeding at the things I wish I could. Plain and simple lonely and some times heart breaking. I cry sometimes. Just sit in tears wishing I was different, had a part of what almost everyone has that I do not. How do I get that, I may never get that.

However, could my own monster who breaks myself down on a daily basis just making matters worse. Could having a bit of hope and confidence help me get somewhere I want? Or just half way there?   I know I will have to work so much harder than most, but if I just believed and took the statement-

"I am stupid"

Changed it to.

"I am enough."
"I can do it."
"I believe in myself."

Would that help? Would that help me succeed. But most of all would it allow myself to not let my kids do the same to themselves.

Are we too busy?

I started to realize something back in the Spring of this year after reading a book about Buddhism and being a Mother to small children. That being busy isn't necessarily a good thing or even a positive life. Yes, when someone asks what or how life has been lately and most say busy we seem to think this is how things should or need to be to be successful and enjoy life. Not only that, that we need our children to be busy as well.

Our society in this day and age is so busy we MISS LIFE. It passes bye us so fast we miss a lot of it. Especially when our children are young. You often hear "enjoy them while they are little, because they grow so fast". It is true, they do. So why add in being busy and having them in so many extra activities out side of school. You are rushing around each evening to go here or there to have them enjoy a sport or a club. Everyone is tired, anxious to make it to where ever on time and possibly even stressed. Maybe you haven't been able to catch up cleaning, meal prepping or even just having a chance to just sit and not do anything.

Every one is so busy we even miss out on our friends and our extended family some times.

We dont have time for play dates, hanging out at parks or just having the neighbor hood kids having that oppertunity to just play after school, because everyone is busy with the extras. We are sadly losing touch of each other.

I was this Mother. I thought having my child(ren) in programs was what all good parents did. Being busy meant you were living life the way society wants you to.

What I realized was happening was. I was missing out in my children and our life in the moment. Thats the key word "in the moment". I wasn't just sitting down and drawing with them, playing some action figure battle with my son, playing tea party with my daughter. Playing board games as a family or even just laying on the couch watching a movie together, going for a walk or hike. Just being present in the moment instead of rushing around to make sure my children get to their program or club.

I didn't want to remember or have my kids remember their childhood as being rushed around after each school day just to do certain things society deems as an essential to a child's life or feel like to be a good parent my child needs those clubs or activities.

So we have stepped back and do one thing a week for one hour each or none at all. Its easier to enjoy by all of us in the family and my children feel its less stressful so do I.

Being in the moment is key in my life for our families happiness. I dont want my life to be so busy I miss things.

Its interesting when other parents ask me what I have signed my children up for and I either reply with nothing or one thing. The nothing reply gets them the most. How could I not have my child in anything? Simple, we have so many other things we could do as a family- simple yet fun that we dont need those extras.

Step back if you are stressed or your children are stressed or overwhelmed by the busy schedule. Be in the moment and go with the flow. You may find yourself and your kids will be happier too.

:)

"Autism is a Sickness"

I recently attended an orientation meeting for a communication therapy program for parents & their child(ren) with ASD.

All the parents had a child the same age as Dagney and in Junior Kindergarten.  I think to gear the program for that age group and appropriate information for that age range.

Anyways, I was sitting at a table with two other parents. We chatted a little and the three of us did one of the program activities. We had to write what our children's strengths and weaknesses were. As we were one of the parents kept commenting on it as a "sickness". Like it was a bad thing. It struck me the wrong way.
Autistic kids are NOT sick. They can't be given medication for a short duration and be cured of this "sickness". Its a neurological disorder. With the proper support and help these kids can succeed too. And with their challenges comes huge strengths! Now this parent did say they didnt believe their child's diagnoses, but thats a common part of when you have a child diagnosed with anything really. I just hope this parent can see Autism as not something that is all bad, but amazing too. It can teach us as an average person just how to look at the world in a different light. I know it has made me so much more open minded and non judgemental. Support more as well!

The list of strength from parents were amazing. Its always hard to see positive when negative seems to out weigh, but it didnt in this instance.

So I guess my point to this blog was to say that ASD is not a sickness that can be cured. It doesnt work that way and ASD is something amazing as well as not all bad.

Was it MY fault.

Through out my son, Dagney's 4.5 years of life I have always questioned my parenting being a cause for his struggles and even more so once we got the final diagnoses of his diagnoses of Autism Spectrum Disorder- high functioning. A lot have gone through my mind of what could have caused it.

Was it my genes?

Was it during birth when his heart rate dropped so low for a long time?

Was it all those times he stopped breathing as a result of his severe reflux?

Was it a result of all the tests he was put through as a baby?  Ultrasounds, x rays, meckal scan, blood work.

Was it caused by my lack of connection, because I struggled with Post Partum Depression?

Was it because he struggled with colic?

I realize now that my guilt for my son's struggles is not going to help. It isn't going to accomplish anything, but feel sad and heartbroken over it. And even if I did know what exactly caused it, it wouldn't change anything. It is not like I can reverse it either and fix it.

I need to look ahead. Look for resources and community support to help him and our family. Make sure he has the best ability to thrive in his life and
give us the tools to help him.

So no more guilt rid thoughts and finding a way to blame something I have done.

The Judgement Train

   We all are guilty of passing judgement on other's, it just seem like it is programmed into us at a very young age than becomes much more apparent as we get older. Judgement can be positive, but it also can be negative as well. This is where I am trying to change my thought process and become far more open minded compared to a few years ago.
I feel like most of us should really realize how destructive judgement not only can impact other's, but ourselves and our children.

I want to raise my children to be accepting of other's and not just jump to bad judgement, but rather have an open mind for a situation or person.  So to do that I have to lead by example, right? I feel this is one of the simplest ways to teach a child something. I also want to be able to have them come to me if they ever need to without feeling scared or embarrassed.

So next time you see someone or hear a story of a situation lets try to think with an open rather than quickly hoping onto the judgement train.

I think society would be much more supportive and caring if we were like that.

Dagney is an AMAZING boy!

As a baby I new he was going to be an amazing kid as he grew older, but I also new he was going to have some struggles from how he reacted and struggled with certain situations and sensory in his life.
 Dagney, my oldest who will be four in August struggles with sensory and other things. It can be exhausting, challenging, frustrating, but also very fun and amusing with a child who is what one would call sensational. He is an amazing kid!
 With a lot of determination my husband and I figured we needed to look deeper into his struggles before he started Kindergarten so us as parents, perhaps his future teachers and any one else can help him thrive even more in his life. We decided to talk with our family doctor who agreed we should see a Behavioural Pediatrician, who we saw this morning. After explain Dagney's struggles and the Doctor asked a lot of questions too. He said it was clear to him Dagney is a sensational child who has Sensory Processing Disorder and possibly High Functioning Autism, BUT he wants to do another evolution with Dagney to get a better diagnoses. With that being said, both my husband, myself and the Pediatrician agreed that it wasn't just a blank diagnoses, he wants to put a name to his struggles so we can cater to that exact issue to help Dagney thrive. No medicating to cover anything up just yet unless everything else has been exhausted and it is something as the parents think he might need. Which right now I want to stay far from it.
  That being said even though in my heart he is still the same boy I birthed at home and have cared for, loved, had fun with and also been exhausted from(hahaha) it is comforting knowing we have a diagnoses to be able to access the specific help for that diagnoses. I am heartbroken, but yet relieved all at the same time. I am hoping this doesn't change anyone to be more negative towards him or treat him less, because of this. I hope others are more open minded and supportive of him and his struggles and differences. There is nothing WRONG with him, there is everything RIGHT with him. This just makes him unique and will possibly help him thrive in certain areas of life that most of us can't.

Building MY dream home

So lets build my dream home. Be warned this isn't the average dream home most would want. I am a simple living type of woman and LOVE the idea of living off the grid. So here goes.

1) What would the outside of my house look like. Imagine a small log cabin that has a few windows in the front with some flower boxes hanging below them and perhaps in the back or sides. It might remind you of a little cottage.

2) If we live off the grid, my family and I how would we heat it in the dead of winter you might ask? Well a wood burning stove! Now this will be good not only for heating the place in the winter, but also cooking, heating water up for warm baths etc. Plus we might have a wood burning fire place.

3) How big is the inside of this home of ours? Well small! One main room where the cooking takes place plus the family time, a small bathroom and a loft where we would all sleep. So maybe 800sq feet or less The loft is smaller in this picture, but it gives your mind an idea what there would be.And of course no air conditioner or ceiling fan. ;)

4) Lets talk the bathroom. Since there isn't any running water. GASP! I know crazy isn't it? There would be an out house style toilet that would be emptied daily into the out house we would have outside of our home that would be used mostly in the spring, summer and fall. Winter months and probably at night for the kids the inside one would be used for that time period. The bath tub would be a wooden tub with a hole and a hose going out the side of the home to drain. And last but not least where we would wash our face and hands? Well in a tin tub/sink so it can be dumped once you are finished.

5)How would we see if it's dark since we have zero electricity? Well well well! Oil burning lamps or candles! We have always used those while camping or at the cottage so it would be perfect. We just have to be extra cautious. We might have some solar power panel on our roof to make sure we are plugged in for our cell phones in case of emergency and having a small chest freezer and a refrigerator for food.

6) Lets talk washing clothing! Now a days most of us woman dread laundry, because it can be such a process and even so my way of doing it if we were have our dream home would be a lot of work as well. I want to get back to basics. So a stainless steal washing machine contraption. It rings out clothes manualy and bucket area I would use this neat looking plunger.And of course hanging the clothes to dry. Something I do in my life when the weather gets warmer.

7) Lets talk about the outside! This is something that is the most important to my home. A big piece of land with lots of garden area for flowers, herbs, veggies, fruits to be grown and a small amount of animals to raise for our food  consumption so we don't have to buy very much from the farmers market or grocery stores.

8) Let's not forget about kid geared stuff to have fun. I am sure the children's imagination would be just as good, but even so it would be nice to have some other fun things to do especially us adults who are still kids at heart. How about some tire swings, a tree house, slides, some hammocks to relax in and possibly sleep in at night when the nights are too hot to be inside. And a pond! one to swim in. I know I am sure some think that is kind of nuts, but I grew up swimming in ponds and lakes, it was tons of fun! The pond can also acts as a watering hole for the free roaming animals too. So just think while you are swimming around in the pond a cow is drinking from the shore just on the other side. What a lovely sight to see, don't you think?

9) Where would we get our water from? I guess I should of mentioned this before since we wouldn't have running water. A hand pump that's located outside somewhere, some rain barrels and if all else fails the store! But if you just boil the water really good it should be safe to drink. I've done it many of times while camping.

I think that's about it for how I would want my dream home one day. :)




**All of the pictures are not mine. I found them on pinterest**